Not sure why this is preoccupying me but it is..
Was at my Nans funeral a few weeks ago in Salford, most my family in Salford are kind of rogue-ish, some have done spells in prison and had questionable pasts, lots of nice cars with private plates and chunky gold bracelets whilst having "undefined" dayjobs.
I don't see them from one year to the next to be honest, usually weddings and funerals. When I do see them though they are genuinely warm and friendly ,lots of hugs and kisses, lots of drink and fags, reminiscing about our childhood together the usual. Except one cousin who has done very well for himself down the more conventional route, he's a director at a big London finance firm and is about 15 years my junior, he's married to a millionairess has a London pad overlooking the Thames and a big place in Kent. I used to get on well with him as I guess we were both a bit "outside" the other lot (I don't want that to sound snobby).
I haven't seen him for about 4 years. Anyway when I saw him he literally strutted over to me as if about to seal a multi million pound deal and gave me this perfect teeth smile and a ridiculously firm handshake whilst fixing me with his eyes in a really cheesy politician like manner. It just felt weird and I almost wanted to laugh and say "what the fuck was that?, I'm your cousin not a client".
As I say I'm not sure why it bothered me, I don't have any resentment to him being rich and powerful in his field, he's done that off his own back. I think it was more the fact that I felt like I don't know him anymore and he has well and truly disappeared up his own arse.
Bit of a weird one I know...Anyone have similar experiences with family?
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Same with my sister she has done very well these days as a consultant to big business and government and she constantly talks to us in management speak. When my old mum was alive even taking her shopping I asked her did it go ok with mum, who had Alzheimer’s at the time and could be difficult and you would get stuff, yes think we rounded all those corners or some other management speak for success.
i think some people just merge fully into their new reality and they become it and in the end most of the old person you knew just is gone.
Im 30 now and only met my family outside my immediate family this year.
They ranged from snobbish to downright Cuntish. I was immediately aware I was not respected due to my job.
I’d have rather met a sandpaper dildo... with my bum.
the bottom line is that we shared a long difficult childhood together & that's a kind of sacred bond.
so... i suppose i'm projecting my relationship with my family onto you and yours with this advice, but i would say never be too quick to judge or dismiss your own family over a little thing.
if i was in your situation i would probably just shrug & totally let that one go, on the basis that this is a person who obviously has to do over-confident alpha-male 'city handshakes' with people he has no meaninful connection with all day long, every day of the week. to the point it's habit.
so it may well be that he is actually just totally out of practice with the habit of shaking hands with someone outside of that corporate universe that he cares about. in a flash second he reaches for your hand and muscle memory guides him. especially in a stressful situation (like a funeral), a brain can really easily slip into auto.
if he is someone focused on preserving a successful image around your family, rather than risk a fumble or an awkward moment he may stress & autoplay safe, but later reflect that he might have shown you a bit more affection.
maybe if you and he were away from the crowd & just having drinks together he would relax more and open up. if you had a bond once it's probably still there somewhere.
anyway, i would say don't damn him over a little thing like that.
your sensitivity about a seemingly small thing may even be an insight into how much you actually do feel for him. you fear losing him on some level. so that's to ask yourself in private.
but if so, consider calling him once the funeral & stresses are passed and trying to reconnect away from the crowd.
Funerals are weird, but if you're used to a corporate setting then greeting people with a smile and handshake is something you do multiple times every day - it becomes muscle memory. Combined with the weird-funeral-feeling for both of you it's not necessarily surprising that it felt a bit impersonal.
Call him in a few days and suggest going for a drink
I had a senior management job once, and had to make instant decisions frequently to delegate tasks to many people, and found myself unintentionally doing this at home with my Mrs! This was not popular at home. That's one of the reasons I was not keen to stay on that career route.
I guess we're all actors to some degree.
Sorry to hear about your Nan dude.
Supportact said: [my style is] probably more an accumulation of limitations and bad habits than a 'style'.
Sorry about your Nan.
Its funny that firm handshakes are seen as odd despite their history here, whereas fistbumps are seen as ok even though doing them is an imitation of a Brooklyn teenage black guy. Why do northerners not like firm handshakes?
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While we're on it.. the amount of hand shaking and bottom slapping on the apprentice pisses me off too
Sorry bout you're nan, but i think @vale nailed it - funeral is an stressful setting, autpilot engage!
I don’t believe in the whole ‘you can judge a man by his handshake’ thing. What correlation does how hard you squeeze someone’s hand have with anything?
Sorry to hear about your Nan Jonny.