Excerpts from the heterosexual bible

bignorm · March 2015

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
© After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman.
28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

Drew_TNBD · March 2015

No.

hugbot · March 2015

Most are pretty standard lads mag stuff but 27 went to a weird place,

lloyd · March 2015

This is hilarious...........if you're a 13 year old.

Drew_TNBD · March 2015

lloyd said:

This is hilarious...........if you're a 13 year old.

Or borderline retarded.

lloyd · March 2015

Drew_fx said:

lloyd said:

This is hilarious...........if you're a 13 year old.

Or borderline retarded.

I view most 13 year olds as borderline retarded compared to an adult.....

RocknRollDave · March 2015

According to the list, then, I am as gay as they come. Fine by me, if it sets me apart from the kind of Neanderthal c*ntwit described by that list.

Drew_TNBD · March 2015

RocknRollDave said:

According to the list, then, I am as gay as they come. Fine by me, if it sets me apart from the kind of Neanderthal c*ntwit described by that list.

Oh whoopy shits for you!

RocknRollDave · March 2015

Drew_fx said:

RocknRollDave said:

According to the list, then, I am as gay as they come. Fine by me, if it sets me apart from the kind of Neanderthal c*ntwit described by that list.

Oh whoopy shits for you!

Worst present ever. Can't i just have book tokens next time?

Drew_TNBD · March 2015

RocknRollDave said:

Drew_fx said:

RocknRollDave said:

According to the list, then, I am as gay as they come. Fine by me, if it sets me apart from the kind of Neanderthal c*ntwit described by that list.

Oh whoopy shits for you!

Worst present ever. Can't i just have book tokens next time?

Hey! Check your privilege SHITLORD! Some people would love to have whoopy shits!

randomhandclaps · March 2015

Well if to be believed I think this chorus may sum up 80% of the membership here -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3mSLW60i_k

Sambostar · March 2015

29. If you have been living together for a long time and neither of you have been getting any, it is OK for your mate to give you a blowie, it isn't an act of gayness.

Woahhh there!

RocknRollDave · March 2015

Drew_fx said:

RocknRollDave said:

Drew_fx said:

RocknRollDave said:

According to the list, then, I am as gay as they come. Fine by me, if it sets me apart from the kind of Neanderthal c*ntwit described by that list.

Oh whoopy shits for you!

Worst present ever. Can't i just have book tokens next time?

Hey! Check your privilege SHITLORD! Some people would love to have whoopy shits!

Yeah, but, hey, some people drink warm lager...and that is, like SOOOOOOO gay.

boogieman · March 2015

This is the kind of Murican shit my bro in law emails me from Florida, somehow thinking it's hysterical.

TinLip · March 2015

Sambostar said:

29. If you have been living together for a long time and neither of you have been getting any, it is OK for your mate to give you a blowie, it isn't an act of gayness.

Woahhh there!