Another relationship issue

mellowsun

How do you deal with a situation with friend you've known a long time, but gradually feel you can no longer relate to because of their actions and attitude, but you still care about them.

And the situation is made more complex because your life partner doesn't get on with them - and you can totally understand why. Although they are always polite and friendly to them (although sometimes the body language does not tally).

And then they make hurtful digs at your partner in a way that they know is going to hurt them because the partner lacks self-confidence in certain areas and that friend knows this.

Sporky

Ditch 'em. Your partner is more important, and the "friend" sounds mean.

PVO_Dave

"With friends like that, who needs enemies"

 

mellowsun

I wouldn't describe the person as mean, but insensitive, arrogant, comes across as sneery about people who don't share their worldview. Expects a lot from people but to be fair, can go the extra mile for people too. It's complicated.

Myranda

Your friend sounds like a dick... Have you had the "dude, don't be a dick" talk? If not then do. 

If you have had the talk, tell them to go away... Far away... Where they can die in a bin. On fire. 

monquixote

Get rid. 

People grow apart and your partner is infinitely more important.

CabbageCat

If you can tolerate it and your partner can tolerate it then just tolerate it. If not then get the friend to stop. If you can't then ditch the friend.

TheBlueWolf

Ditch the friend.

I had a similar situation with a friend I've known since we were about 5. It got to the point where his attitude, the need to slap me on the, shoulder, arm or leg, every thirty seconds ( I HATE being touched and get freaked out if people invade my personal space), his constant demands that I focus all my attention on him, and repeating everything as nauseum got to be too much. I tried avoiding him but that just wound him up, so I ditched him

slacker

I posted elsewhere about managing people. In your situation if the friend was offensive I'd do a fade I think it's called. Decrease contact. If not I'd see them on their own, meet at a pub or Costa, go to a football match, whatever. 

mellowsun

I haven't raised the issue because the friend has been going through some difficult issues (although they don't help themselves). I've chosen to be a bit distant, take some space.

Myranda

mellowsun said:

I haven't raised the issue because the friend has been going through some difficult issues (although they don't help themselves). I've chosen to be a bit distant, take some space.

Hard times are no reason to be a dick. Have the don't be a dick talk sooner rather than later. 

mellowsun

Appreciate all the suggestions so far. Much love to everyone here

octatonic

I ditch them if I think the situation cannot be resolved.

ICBM

mellowsun said:

How do you deal with a situation with friend you've known a long time, but gradually feel you can no longer relate to because of their actions and attitude, but you still care about them.

And the situation is made more complex because your life partner doesn't get on with them - and you can totally understand why. Although they are always polite and friendly to them (although sometimes the body language does not tally).

And then they make hurtful digs at your partner in a way that they know is going to hurt them because the partner lacks self-confidence in certain areas and that friend knows this.

Get rid of the friend.

iseverynamegone

Brexit issues?  I've a few friends like that :-)

Lifes too short , your partner is the most import at thing as above.  You can stay in touch via social media or the odd meet but no point stressing your main relationship. 

guitarfishbay

Space and time. If they're a proper friend after they've sorted whatever they're going through then you can re-connect later. Don't burn bridges yourself, the 'fade' reduced contact thing is the way to go I think

professorben

Look mate I said I'm sorry I'm not buying your H9 now.....
jeeeze. 

digitalscream

mellowsun said:

I haven't raised the issue because the friend has been going through some difficult issues (although they don't help themselves). I've chosen to be a bit distant, take some space.

Treat it like you would if a child was the offending party - when they act like a dick, call them on it and don't let it go until they either climb down or go away. Unless there are direct consequences to acting like that, people will generally continue (especially if they're having a hard time, because they can justify it to themselves with "woe is me" - I've done that myself on more than one occasion in the past).

mellowsun

iseverynamegone said:

Brexit issues?  I've a few friends like that :-)

Nothing to do with Brexit, fortunately!

Myranda

digitalscream said:

mellowsun said:

I haven't raised the issue because the friend has been going through some difficult issues (although they don't help themselves). I've chosen to be a bit distant, take some space.

Treat it like you would if a child was the offending party - when they act like a dick, call them on it and don't let it go until they either climb down or go away. Unless there are direct consequences to acting like that, people will generally continue (especially if they're having a hard time, because they can justify it to themselves with "woe is me" - I've done that myself on more than one occasion in the past).

Well done one being one of the only people saying something needs to be said before skipping talking and going straight to never see them again. 

Time will only help if they know they are upsetting people. Say something. 

mellowsun

digitalscream said:

Treat it like you would if a child was the offending party - when they act like a dick, call them on it 

I did call them on it at the time, and have done so in the past. They kind of apologised, but it feels like the damage has been done. Partner doesn't really want to see them, but won't stop me seeing them. I'm just not sure I want to. But I feel like I'm being mean.

On the other hand, people can be manipulative to make you feel that way. They have been a good friend in the past, but now I'm being made to feel guilty for staying away.

The person has made life choices that I don't agree with, but I have never criticized them for it. But this person is critical of others' choices. tbh I'm not the first person that has fallen out with them in similar circumstances.