Another relationship issue

Myranda

mellowsun said:

digitalscream said:

Treat it like you would if a child was the offending party - when they act like a dick, call them on it 

I did call them on it at the time, and have done so in the past. They kind of apologised, but it feels like the damage has been done. Partner doesn't really want to see them, but won't stop me seeing them. I'm just not sure I want to. But I feel like I'm being mean.

On the other hand, people can be manipulative to make you feel that way. They have been a good friend in the past, but now I'm being made to feel guilty for staying away.

If you have called them on it walk away. In fact run away and stop talking to them. They're a dick. 

mellowsun

Part of my problem is that I'm too soft and avoid confrontation. I suppose the person tends to make well aimed digs, rather than being nasty, but in the context it did a lot of damage as my partner was going through a difficult time. I could just accept that they will never get on, but my thoughts are that I just need a break from them for a while.

Sporky

Making well-aimed digs is nasty.

mellowsun

Sporky said:

Making well-aimed digs is nasty.

I suppose I have been lenient as I have known them so long.

Other people I have known longer, we have drifted apart but still stayed in touch, but no pressure on either side to meet up. With this person, I feel a bit of pressure. It's part of their personality I guess.

TTony

mellowsun said:

How do you deal with a situation with friend you've known a long time, but gradually feel you can no longer relate to because of their actions and attitude, but you still care about them.

Would you choose to make their friendship today?

Sounds like you became friends in days gone by, when you were probably both different.  You recognise how they've changed, and how they react to some of the changes in your life (ie your partner), and you now feel less friendly towards them as a result.

Friends are transient.  You make new ones, you lose existing ones - whether deliberately or just through natural life changes.  Also the strength/depth of a friendship varies through time.  You don't have to excommunicate someone in this situation, but they might not be the first person you call up to have a chat with, or head off for a drink/meal with.  Doesn't mean that they're not a "friend", just that they're not so close anymore.

That's natural.

quarky

Is it a partner of three months or three years? Assuming they are your partner for life (hopefully!), they must come above anyone else. You friend needs to realise that and adjust, or start putting more space between you. Sounds like the situation between my parents and my wife. My wife can be a bit abrupt and intolerant at times, but so can they, and they are never come to come before my family..

ICBM

mellowsun said:

With this person, I feel a bit of pressure. It's part of their personality I guess.

Even more reason to get rid. This person is a manipulative bully.

mellowsun

TTony said:

mellowsun said:

How do you deal with a situation with friend you've known a long time, but gradually feel you can no longer relate to because of their actions and attitude, but you still care about them.

Would you choose to make their friendship today?

Sounds like you became friends in days gone by, when you were probably both different. 

Thanks Tony. It's an interesting question. As I am today, maybe not. That's the thing, they are still the same today as they were when I met them, I feel. Maybe I am too, but, it's not just about me any more.

mellowsun

quarky said:

Is it a partner of three months or three years? Assuming they are your partner for life (hopefully!), they must come above anyone else. You friend needs to realise that and adjust, or start putting more space between you. Sounds like the situation between my parents and my wife. My wife can be a bit abrupt and intolerant at times, but so can they, and they are never come to come before my family..

I can empathise with that and am sorry to hear it. It would be great if everyone could just get along, but this is unrealistic. We all have different  personalities and some won't rub along easily. It can be hard to accept that sometimes.

Partner of many years btw.

Ro_S

I agree with the general sentiments above in this thread.  Probably time to move on or, at the very least, have a candid conversation with them.   

digitalscream

mellowsun said:

digitalscream said:

Treat it like you would if a child was the offending party - when they act like a dick, call them on it 

I did call them on it at the time, and have done so in the past. They kind of apologised, but it feels like the damage has been done. Partner doesn't really want to see them, but won't stop me seeing them. I'm just not sure I want to. But I feel like I'm being mean.

If it feels like the damage is done, then that's a perfectly valid motivation for you to do something about it; @TTony says that friends are transient, but...so is the absence of those friends. The danger is that you start feeling like you have to make a permanent decision and stick to it...that's not true at all. If this person is important to you, then taking a break might be an appropriate step; you don't have to make it explicit, just drift away for a while.

People can change. The individual in question has obviously changed in some way recently, but it can go both ways and it's rarely permanent unless it's triggered by a seriously traumatic event. Sometimes you just have to let them get on with it and have a bit of faith that they'll come back one day.

Roland

People's motivations for this type of behaviour are varied. Some provoke simply to get attention. Some provoke in an attempt to dominate or irritate. Some lash out to check that you like them enough not to retaliate. Some have copied the behaviour from others, and don't even notice that they are doing it. 

If you want to continue the relationship then mention it, and if there is no improvement then let the relationship lapse. If you don't want to continue then let it lapse anyway.

Chalky

Your friend sounds like an 'emotional vampire' - they like squeezing other people emotionally and feeding off the emotional drops of drama and tension it creates.

Get rid of them immediately and completely. They won't change. They cannot change because it is how their personality functions.

lloyd

Anyone that was cunty to my partner would get ditched without a second thought-the fact that you're posting about this is strange to me.

and I have to say, without wanting to sound like a dick, but if you're still mates with this person, despite being present when they're digging at you're partner-you're contributing to the self esteem issue.

Ditch the "friend" yesterday.

lloyd

Also how are they polite and friendly, but also make digs? That's neither polite, nor friendly mate.

CabbageCat

lloyd said:

Also how are they polite and friendly, but also make digs? That's neither polite, nor friendly mate.

It's pretty easy if you know what you're doing.

richardhomer

There's a person I've known since I was 17 who I fell out with years ago - who I bumped into in a music shop and re-established contact with.

The residual affection for good times in our youth, is tempered by the fact that I don't really like him any more - and the wrongs which caused the initial falling out remain barely beneath the surface, for me.

I attended his 50th birthday party and exchange Christmas cards. He's notionally a 'friend' on Facebook.

I think growing away from certain friends is an inevitable part of getting older. I wouldn't break off all contact - I would simply reduce it. If the relationship were really important, I doubt you would be uncertain as to how to proceed. 

lloyd

CabbageCat said:

lloyd said:

Also how are they polite and friendly, but also make digs? That's neither polite, nor friendly mate.

It's pretty easy if you know what you're doing.

lloyd

lloyd said:

CabbageCat said:

lloyd said:

Also how are they polite and friendly, but also make digs? That's neither polite, nor friendly mate.

It's pretty easy if you know what you're doing.


fuck the new fucking forum editor. I might rewrite what I wrote, but I might not. And yes I've read the tips on how to fix it.

digitalscream

@lloyd - you do seem to be the only person having issues now. Perhaps consider using a different browser to see if that changes things?