Damage control - advice needed

CHrisP86

So, the wife is upset with me.

We had our first child 5 months ago and essentially the issue is a 'push present' (I hate american nonsense that comes to the UK).  I bought her a very nice watch while she was pregnant (she suffered with morning sickness quite badly and I thought it would cheer her up) on the basis that it was a general pregnancy/push present.

I am now obviously in trouble for not having bought her a present since she has had the baby.  I have done a few nice things since.  I'm sure I have bought her flowers, organised a really nice birthday for her and she went away for two nights so i practically pulled two all-nighters to completely re-decorate the house.

But ignoring right or wrong in the argument, what do I do to mend the damage?  I asked about organising something or buying her another present but I think the responses were "there's no point now I have had to ask" and "it will just be reminder of how bad a husband you are...".  I think she sort of apologised for the last one this morning as it was a bit over the top (or so far over the top she couldn't see the top anymore).

Do I just organise/buy something anyway?

I'm really struggling with fatherhood enough as it is, so could do with getting this under the bridge as soon as possible.

fretmeister

Sounds like post natal depression to me.

Talk to her about it. Presents won't fix that.

ftumch

What's a bloody push present?! No kids here but is this a thing most people are aware of? 

xSkarloey

This notion of a 'push present' is something I have no inkling of. 


I'd talk to her about it in a non confrontational way. After all, we wouldn't want this to become a big rift. 

Keep an eye on things and make sure you two keep talking and keep it positive. 

not_the_dj

Never heard of a push present, but as fretmeister says this could be something pretty serious that's going on with her. What's the local support like for new parents? I can't remember from mine how long the midwife stayed in touch but the local children's centers were brilliant with us.

ICBM

Do you do much/any of the baby care? If you do already, try to increase it. If you don't, start doing some - a lot - now.

It's probably the thing a woman with a baby wants more than anything in the world - just less stress and constant work.

(I was the main carer for my kids when my wife went back to work after six months, so I do know something about this .)

If you're doing all that already, try finding out what's getting her down - it could be as simple as housework and chores, on top of the extra baby stuff. If you can do more of that she'll probably thank you more than for any present, which it sounds like she doesn't really want now.

digitalscream

If it were me...I'd forget the idea of buying a present, because it's essentially a trap (probably not deliberate, but it's definitely a no-win from what you've said).

I'd be more inclined to wait for a quiet moment, and tell her that you're worried that the two of you have lost your equilibrium lately, and that you want to see what both of you can do to get it back.

As @not_the_dj says, though, there's a non-zero chance that she's suffering from "baby brain" (or whatever the official term is for a bit of depression after giving birth). Worth noting that if you even mention that, all prospects of it being a constructive conversation will go out of the window.

Myranda

I'd recommend doing something, rather than buy something. Maybe a nice dinner (get baby sitter). 

Spending time is for me at least better than spending money. 

But if she's grumpy you haven't bought her something shiny, she's either a bit of a tit, or perhaps being a bit post natally depressed 

CHrisP86

Thanks. She is down at the moment because it's taking her a while to recover and heal. She also says she doesn't feel normal so she probably didn't really appreciate the change/impact having a baby would cause. I know her mum has told her she won't feel like she did before but just has to get used to a new 'normal'. I have done quite a lot of the baby care. She was knackered after the delivery so I essentially did all night feeding for easily the first two weeks while on paternity and shared it when I first went back to work. Now he has more of a routine a typical weekday would be me getting up at 4.30/5ish (if the baby is awake then) to feed him, off to work at 6am, home at 5pm when I am handed the baby and in charge for the most of the evening until he goes to bed. I then do all night feeds at the weekends and get up whenever the baby wakes up. My wife goes off to pilates on Saturday morning so i really look after him most of Saturday. It's not unusual for me to do pretty much every feed/nappy change over the weekend. When he naps I then try and do things like wash up/unload the dishwasher etc. I think I do a really fair share and I have always acknowledged that it is tough looking after a baby all week. I can try and do more. I agree that trying to buy something now is a no-win. Probably just trying to organise some date nights is a good idea. Re push presents. Yes, these seem to be the norm now!

tone1

It does sound some form of Post Natal..there's a lot to come to terms with as it's also the mourning of your freedom and life together pre baby.. As much as your Wife is to protected and nurtured, Etc.etc. I wouldn't let those comments continue indefinitely, unless you are a 'bad Husband' (which it doesn't sound like you are) They will knock you down at a time when you are also low...And if not kept in check could lead to a lifetime of sly digs or comments whilst you let the resentment build up against your Wife or Child (I only say Child as usually if things were great before the birth, you link the child being born with your life/relationship going down the pan) Show her you are capable of doing things well, without waiting to be asked, use your initiative and pre-empt her tiredness if she's been up breastfeeding for example...take baby out on a Sunday morning if possible to give her some time to herself, even if for a long bath. Talk to her, don't be afraid to show/tell her your feelings whilst showing empathy with her feelings too! It will get better but 5 months old is a tough time with Colic, teething, sleep patterns etc...Dig deep..best of luck Edit. How do I show paragraphs on my iPhone nowadays?

professorben

Been there man. 
Little one is 11m now, I was in the doo doo at month 3-4 I recall. 
The whole push present thing was totally news to me, the fact I didn't get into trouble about it till month 3 makes me suspect it was news to her too. The whole "you obviously don't care" card cut deep, I think it's a very difficult point, she's gone through one of the most emotionally and physically demanding events a human can do, prob feeling a little empty ( no pun intended) a little isolated and needs a bit of reassurance. 
The whole 'new baby' thing has stopped, people prob don't stop to coo over little one in the street anymore, health visitors have stopped, no more jabs, she's prob feeling abandoned, especially if you are back at work. 
If she's breastfeeding no wine either!!!!

id suggest get someone to look after little one, take her out for lunch ( dinner might remind her about the lack of social nights) make her feel the focus. 
Alternatively get grandparents to babysit, cook her her favourite meal, watch her favourite movie ( yes even if it's Ryan Gosling) spend a few moments looking at the no doubt thousands of pictures you have of the three of you, just try to reconnect as a couple, it's so easy to lose focus of each other in the stream of night feeds, nappies, sick ups and lack of sleep. 

Iamnobody

You have probably done more clothing/feeding/bathing/nappy changing in one week than I've done with both my 5 year old and a 14 month baby ever!

That in itself is the biggest present you could have given her. 

Im not aware of push present myself being a relatively new Dad if it was the norm I would have thought I would...

Have a chat and then ask her for your insemination present. Maybe a new guitar?

professorben

@CHrisP86 hey man, sounds like you are doing your best mate, I'm no expert but I think it sounds more like your wife is suffering emotionally more than physically, huge culture shock that a baby brings has knocked her sideways, her brain is prob still out of kilter hormonally and she's starting to resent the lifestyle change, I'd try to engage as a couple with your baby more, sounds like you are seeing little one as a task more than as a bundle of joy, but perhaps try to spend some time as a family. 
5 months is when babies really start being fun, they can recognise you, interact, smile laugh etc. 
Try to play a silly game with the three of you, peek a boo or some such. 
Take the three of you out to the park or a farm park, get a paddling pool and have a splash. 

Snap

CHrisP86 said:

Thanks. She is down at the moment because it's taking her a while to recover and heal. She also says she doesn't feel normal so she probably didn't really appreciate the change/impact having a baby would cause. I know her mum has told her she won't feel like she did before but just has to get used to a new 'normal'. I have done quite a lot of the baby care. She was knackered after the delivery so I essentially did all night feeding for easily the first two weeks while on paternity and shared it when I first went back to work. Now he has more of a routine a typical weekday would be me getting up at 4.30/5ish (if the baby is awake then) to feed him, off to work at 6am, home at 5pm when I am handed the baby and in charge for the most of the evening until he goes to bed. I then do all night feeds at the weekends and get up whenever the baby wakes up. My wife goes off to pilates on Saturday morning so i really look after him most of Saturday. It's not unusual for me to do pretty much every feed/nappy change over the weekend. When he naps I then try and do things like wash up/unload the dishwasher etc. I think I do a really fair share and I have always acknowledged that it is tough looking after a baby all week. I can try and do more. I agree that trying to buy something now is a no-win. Probably just trying to organise some date nights is a good idea. Re push presents. Yes, these seem to be the norm now!

Thats as much if not more than any new Dad I've known (been one too). Something's not right. But then the first few months are hard hard hard. Does get a lot easier too.

Sounds like what you could do with is a bit of a break, all of you, change of scenery, day out, anything. and maybe get a babysitter to go out and be just the two of you for a few hours. Does the power of good,

now then, "push present", "date night" - this is what you really need to sort out. This nonsense language. We've never had date nights, not really into dates, prunes all that. The idea of sitting around eating loads of them makes me feel a bit iffy. We do however like to go out for a few drinks, no kids, maybe have a meal. Even a couple of hours down the pub will be good. These are the things that make you feel normal again, even if its short lived, and you need to do them regularly.

UnclePsychosis

Obviously I'm just a stranger on the Internet but it does sound to me like something more serious is going on. One big red flag for me is you saying you do *all* the feeds over a weekend - I don't know any new mothers that would have not wanted to do at least some of them. Feeding baby is a pain in the arse but it's also a great bonding moment.

I think you need to speak to your wife about it because it seems to me like she may be struggling emotionally. No shame in that. Being a parent is hard! You may also need to consider getting professional advice but the first step is finding it whether you need it.

Good luck.

Drew_TNBD

You've already given her a present.

A fucking CHILD!

gubble

Whilst I can sympathise with the OP's situation and at the risk of hijacking the thread the one thing that winds me up about this is the name "push present".

What a terrible name that I really hope does not become a recognised part of our English language.

Where has this originated from? Ok for sure traditionally in years gone buy you got married, had a baby and then presented your wife with an eternity ring so in itself it's not a completely new idea but this notion and the name of it does not sit comfortably with me.

I really hope the OP and his respective other half sort this out though. He certainly comes across as a very decent chap who will do all he can to make his family happy and I salute him for this.

Snap

honest, I thought a push present was a euphemism for a really big turd.

Right, I'm off for a push present, I'm taking the paper.......

professorben

Drew_fx said:

You've already given her a present.

A fucking CHILD!

Hmmmm swings and roundabouts. 
That vindaloo may taste awesome on the way in, but it's gonna ruin you on the way out. 
After 24 hours of my gf screaming and pushing, and no pain relief, ending in suction cup and scissors ( yes for cutting down there) my end of the deal seemed pretty sweet. 

professorben

Drew_fx said:

You've already given her a present.

A fucking......

FTFY


(sorry couldn't resist)

CHrisP86

Thanks all.

@gubble much appreciated.  The toughest part is knowing you are doing everything you can but its not always enough/appreciated.

We will be fine. We are normally pretty strong. You guys have made me realise we probably need to make more time for each other and just get our heads out of baby life more often.  That will hopefully lift both of our moods.