Your best chat up lines

boogieman

57Deluxe said:

"As long as I have a face, you will always have somewhere to sit!"

Bwah ha ha! Excellent. 

equalsql

"Would you like to sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that comes up?"

rossyamaha

Sit on my face and I'll guess your weight. 

I heard a mate of mine actually say this once, and for whatever reason it worked. Well, it was Mansfield so..

Do you like chicken? Well suck my cock it's foul. :-/

BRISTOL86

Do you speak Parseltongue? As my trouser snake’s-a-Slytherin’ !

Gulliver

"You'll do..."

Phil_aka_Pip

Hi, I'm Mr Right. Been waiting long?

LuttiS

Is there any reason we're still wearing clothes?

Legionreturns

Phil_aka_Pip said:

Hi, I'm Mr Right. Been waiting long?

I spent my whole life waiting for Miss Right...I just didn't realise her first name would be "Always" 

Panama_Jack666

Dominic said:

20 years ago was on a ski holiday with a friend and kept bumping into a group of 5 American girls -all were great lookers and were working as promotions girls for Head (the ski manufacturers )in the Resort.......turned out they were staying in same hotel as us ......all of them were late 20s.
 We tried to chat them up ,they were polite but very cordial and non-interested until my old trick was used -my friend let slip in quick conversation that I was a well -known London hairdresser and that amongst my clients were David Beckham and Guy Ritchie etc ......Beckham seems to have been the magic word.
 Its a funny thing but as soon as a woman thinks you are a hairdresser you can run your fingers through their hair,bullshit about cuts that would suit them etc etc....they feel very unthreatened as they assume you are probably gay and make you privy to their gossip, problems,squabbles and even their love/sex life..........Of course I was able to ask " Where are you going for your holidays ?" as they were officially working .
 The bit that really convinced them was when my friend phoned my mobile from outside the hotel in a very cockney accent and pretended to be Beckham pleading with me to come back to London to do his hair at the weekend -I hammed it up my end and of course the dumb American girls wanted to say "hello" to David ....my mate( who is actually called David) duly obliged in his best Cockney accent from London ........in fact all of 20 meters outside the Hotel ...and they were thrilled.
 I kept up the hairdresser pretence and by the 2nd night I had bedded the first one but told her not to say a word to her friends or we would end up with gossip mag journalists following us around the resort because it was well known who my clients were etc............by the end of the 10 day holiday I had scored 3 out of 5 .
 My friend dines out on that one still today . 
 The idea came to me because a friend's father was a very successful hairdresser in the 70s and 80s and it was a legend at the time how many women he slept with through meeting at the Salon....he was a slightly effete Ladies Man with a Lotus ,perpetually marrying and divorcing, a real character and a true swordsman.
 I always remember him telling me and his son in the car when we were about 16 and he was taking us to a party that the best way to pull girls was to tell them that you were a Ladies Hairdresser ...............How right he was !

My hero!

scrumhalf

Do you like flowers?

Get your two lips round this.

merlin

I played at a very drunken party in a stately home in Bedford a few weeks back. After I'd finished my set, I was sitting on my own in the corridor (which was pretty quiet) relaxing in a comfy chair. 

A very, very cute young woman walked by, wearing a multi-layered chiffon dress. She stopped and said to me coyly, "I've lost my clitoris, it's under here somewhere", and pulling up a couple of layers she said, "will you help me to find it?" 

Panama_Jack666

Me and my mate approached some girls in a bar saying we were carpet fitters from Ohio. Just carried on with the lie from there. The girls were actually American as well so made it tough to blag. It worked though (for him, I was merely a wingman that likes doing stupid stuff like that)

johnswiss

Have you got a mirror down there?

No, why?

I can see myself in your knickers

punchesjudy

Hi 

Grunfeld

merlin said:

I played at a very drunken party in a stately home in Bedford a few weeks back. After I'd finished my set, I was sitting on my own in the corridor (which was pretty quiet) relaxing in a comfy chair. 

A very, very cute young woman walked by, wearing a multi-layered chiffon dress. She stopped and said to me coyly, "I've lost my clitoris, it's under here somewhere", and pulling up a couple of layers she said, "will you help me to find it?" 

This is not fair.
All I get are middle-aged blokes bragging that they once played guitar in band in the 70s and they were better than Led Purple and how... etc.
Where's my chiffony woman?

Alnico

Grunfeld said:

merlin said:

I played at a very drunken party in a stately home in Bedford a few weeks back. After I'd finished my set, I was sitting on my own in the corridor (which was pretty quiet) relaxing in a comfy chair. 

A very, very cute young woman walked by, wearing a multi-layered chiffon dress. She stopped and said to me coyly, "I've lost my clitoris, it's under here somewhere", and pulling up a couple of layers she said, "will you help me to find it?" 

This is not fair.
All I get are middle-aged blokes bragging that they once played guitar in band in the 70s and they were better than Led Purple and how... etc.
Where's my chiffony woman?

 Bedford Rocks!

peteri

Said no-one ever!

(my home town)

Guitar_Slinger

When I was 18 and just moved to London, I spent a few days hanging out with some Australian bloke who was mid-travelling the world. He was a bit like a ginger Noel Fielding and chatted up a couple of American girls, from New York City.

He whipped out photos from a parade in NYC and winked at me, as the girls were cooing with excitement. We were definitely in there!  The first pic was people holding up banners of US presidents... one girl looked at the back and frowned when she to saw the caption "DICKS ON STICKS". The second pic was schoolchildren wearing American rosettes and was captioned "DUMB AMERICAN KIDS ON PARADE".  They put the pictures down and went to talk to someone else, while we watched Eastenders in silence that night.

Phil_aka_Pip

merlin said:

I played at a very drunken party in a stately home in Bedford a few weeks back. After I'd finished my set, I was sitting on my own in the corridor (which was pretty quiet) relaxing in a comfy chair. 

A very, very cute young woman walked by, wearing a multi-layered chiffon dress. She stopped and said to me coyly, "I've lost my clitoris, it's under here somewhere", and pulling up a couple of layers she said, "will you help me to find it?" 

And then you woke up?

Legionreturns

"Do you sleep on your stomach?"

"...mind if I do?"