The Fatherhood thread

Jetfire

I thought I'd try and bring a bit of mums net to tfb and do a thread on fatherhood...

Our son was born 2 weeks ago on the 27th September and it's been a super steep learning curve ever since. The first week was total hell in terms of problems breastfeeding, no sleep for anyone and just a very stressed wife with baby blues etc. We are now discovering he is a colic-y baby so has problems with wind etc. Sadly I have to go back to work tomorrow so my wife is being left on her own and I'm dreading it a bit as I'm not sure how she'll cope. Thankfully, wife's mum is coming over and my mum is also going to be about so hopefully it'll be some help.

The old cliché about babies not having a manual, it being hard going etc is all true but not the extent people think it is. I'm finding it a real struggle and we have both admitted that we wish he was older and had a bit of a routine. If anyone hasn't had kids and is reading this, it really is hard, hard work! It's amazing how much it disrupts your life and what you though was going to be hard is a lot harder. As of right now, it's hard to see the wood from the trees and the light at the end of the tunnel is a very far way away but we are heading towards it...

I'm sure there are plenty of father's on here so any info, experience etc please chip in

WezV

you will be fine.  by the time you get to 8 weeks you will think you have it sussed... then everything changes again.  it will carry on changing like this for quite a while 

Soon enough colic will be a distant memory and teething will be starting!!!

Iamnobody

The best advice I'd give is don't worry. Most of us go through it at some point - some more than once!

I'm a mere beginner being part way through the first.

It does get better - then it gets harder again!

From my own experience - use a dummy. We have a 3 year old thumb sucker...

If your wife has help from family - concentrate on yourself. You need some quality sleep to function correctly at work.

Good luck.

stonevibe

I've got 5 kids.

Once you get over the hurdle of the first one, its a breeze.

Our oldest is 8 in a few weeks and our youngest is coming up to 6 months.

Ignore all advice and do it your own way.

jd0272

You won't need 90% of the shit you think you need, put yer wallet away. And enjoy the little years!!!!! They don't come back

samzadgan

Ahhh...that takes me back almost 2 years...we had out first son about 2 years ago...and yes, you don't have any clue what you are doing, but you get through. Lets just say life is never the same!

What I found is that basically you have to give in to the fact that life is not what you knew it to be, and you work around them and don't struggle against that fact, because all that will happen is that you will suffer. 

It will get easier though...took about 3 months before the first set of routines kicked in...and the at 6 months another routine kicked in, and thats been a similar routine till today. You can obviously be a harder that us and set routines earlier, but we were much more lenient and set routines when he was ready rather than forcing it on him and he adopted them a lot easier and less stress for him and us.

We've now got a second child coming...and we'll go through everything again, but this time with a toddler running around the house!

as for your wife not being able to cope...one thing I will say...its amazing how you can cope with the right motivation...my wife and I live in London by ourselves, both our sets of parents are in Australia...and they were here for a few weeks...but thats about all the help we've had for the 2 years...and when you have to cope you do and you adapt. 

long story short...you will be fine...just do fight the change.

Niallmo

I'm sure I'll get shot down by some but Colic is something doctors say when they can't diagnose a problem. Thomas was a little bit "colicky"... Turns out he was just hungry! One night I decided to try and give him an "extra" bottle and he settled down immediately. 

He was bigger than most babies, not weight as such but general size so he just needed more food. Sometimes relying on instinct is much better than some of the rubbish still bandied about, every piece of advice out there says something along the lines of "this is recommended, but remember every baby is different" 

Case in point: he has just about always slept on his front, this is apparently a massive risk for SIDS. Only, it's not. It's a very minor risk that can be increased massively by other factors such as drinking and smoking, co-sleeping, history and use of drugs, and younger ages of parents. Basically if you get drunk, take drugs, have no life experience and roll over onto a sleeping baby and smother it, it could be classed as SIDS . 

The thing that really stood out for me was that he really is just a little version of us, not some kind of alien being. Treat him like a human, apply common sense and do what YOU think is right and it gets better.

BilliBob

The first month or 2 are indeed very difficult.  Getting routine established is the number one priority.  However you have to fit in with Him not him with you.  Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING has changed forever.  I remember not really enjoying the first few months.  However, there is light and its not even at the end of the tunnel, its very close.  The wonderful news is that as soon as you get routine sorted.  You can then start to actually enjoy the wonder of it all.  Try not to get too blinkered by all the hard work and lack of 'you time'.  Take a step back and actively try to enjoy every moment, even the hard bits.  Its over all too soon and you never get that time back.   It is the most awesome thing I have ever done and am still doing.  I am a stay at home full time Dad.  My oldest has just gone 5 and other little man is 3 in the new year.  Yes its hard, yes you get next to no sleep at first, yes things will never ever be the same.  I can promise you though that none of that matters one bit.  The personal rewards are truly amazing.  Life has never ever been so cool and rewarding since I became a Dad and I know its going to continue and get even better.  They make me laugh a lot every day.
They do pick up your vibe, so make a concerted effort to not be grumpy, even though you havent slept etc
Keep us posted.

xJonnysixstring

First 8 weeks are hell, after four we quit with breast feeding went onto formula as he was not keeping it down, Eventually he ended up on baby gaviscon and went onto solids early. 3 years later expecting our second any day so can't be that bad That said he is having a tantrum right now about not being able to find gloves that he's doesn't actually have!

Niallmo

Oh, he slept in a cot in his own room from six weeks (usual advice is six months!) and breastfeeding is not the be all and end all if the parents can't function due to exhaustion. You have to take care of you, to take care of him.

BloodEagle

My daughter was born at the end of July, also had major probs getting her to breastfeed in the 1st few weeks (she kept falling asleep) and all worries about weight loss that the midwives drilled into us etc, but we just slogged on with it and eventually we worked out the best way to do it. It was a major stress, and combined withe the almost complete lack of sleep in the 1st week it bought my wife close to a complete meltdown. We didnt have a clue what we were doing the 1st month or so - how to get her to sleep, what to do when she would just not stop crying and so on - but as with the breastfeeding we gradually figured out what worked for her and us, and now approaching the 3 mth mark things are getting a semblance or normailty (we even managed to eat a meal together a few days ago), though its all relative - as you say, a new baby is a MASSIVE change to your life. My friends wife had a baby in Jan of this year, and before ours was born i asked him what it was like - he replied that 'the 1st few months are hell' and though i scoffed at the time, and that may be overstating it a bit, its hard to completely disagree - but it does get better, and the 1st few laughs and smiles at your face and stupid voices make it totally worth it

samzadgan

also....all the hardship...the lack of sleep...everything basically melts away when you get your first smile!  

not the smile he does when he's pushing a fart...but a real smile.

UnclePsychosis

The first few weeks are really tough, not sleeping, worrying if you're doing everything "right", etc. I don't really have any specific advice but just stick in there---it does get easier, honest. If your son is struggling with wind a bit then make sure to burp him after *every* feed, this is a pain but it saves on screaming and puking later. I'd lay my son over my shoulder and pat his back, or sometimes if that didn't work lay him gently on one of my knees (on his stomach) and gently massage his back. Eventually he'll burp all that air up

One thing I will say is don't be afraid to ask for help. Parents, friends, neighbours etc will all be willing to help you out with stuff. Running you to the shops, cuddling baby for an hour whilst wife has a bath, simple things like doing the dishes, anything to make your life easier. Just ask. I think lots of people think "ooh, they've had a baby, would love to pop round but I'd best keep out of their way..." so if you need some extra helpers just ask.  

Niallmo

I'll re-iterate, I'll also get militant about this; the over-zealous nature of the mid-wives trying to get my wife to breast feed when it wasn't really possible anyway caused way more stress that it had any right to. She felt alienated and like a "bad mother". The commen sense option was to bottle feed and once that decision was taken it was a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. It enabled us to properly feed Thomas (once we'd worked out that he was REALLY hungry) and took massive pressure Off my wife. Again,, the latest studies are now showing very little difference between bottle and breast once you get to studying long term effects, shorterm, I.e. First few days/weeks is still in favour of breast feeding but not massively.

Chuffola

Ah for feck's sake!  We had twins!  Born 9.5 weeks early, caught every bug going, didn't sleep for two years. 

I have no memory of who walked, talked, smiled first - it was a living hell. 

You've only got one! Suck it up!!

Now, the twins are 15 and its all just a horrible memory.  

My point is, what you're going through is hard fucking work but you'll get there like everyone does and it will all get easier.

I'd echo the "do your own thing" advice - for example, we were told never to bring the kids into bed to sleep with us. Apparently, we'd never get them out again. If we hadn't taken one each every night and gone to separate beds, we'd have had literally no sleep and I reckon would now be dead. So we did what felt right, it worked and no harm was done. The kids were back in there own beds by the age of two.

If your wife has post-natal depression then I'd strongly suggest she sees her doctor. Its quite normal - my wife definitely had it - and she should be able to get some good advice or even meds to help.

Hang in there - you'll be grand.

impmann

As has been said above, listen to all advice and ignore all of it - do it your own way.

Colic is horrible - my little boy is two in January and still suffers. We have to watch what he eats before bed otherwise none of us get any sleep.

Keep smiling and no matter what, keep your wife as happy as you can. She has a lot more to deal with than you do - physically and emotionally - so don't treat any snapping etc the same as you used to.

And ENJOY IT! Yes these initial weeks are hard work but believe me the time starts to fly soon...

Bogwhoppit

If you think its hard going now, just wait until they reach teenage years.  Still you have around 13 years to dwell on it

Jetfire

I have no idea why I posted that in guitars!

As for the advice, a lot of people say the same and I'm glad you guys have had similar experiences. Guitar has taken a proper back step for now but it's quite liberating.

its very hard work and you guys all know it too well bit thanks for the support guys . Just to add to this, we're hoping to move in the next month or so ....!

dafuzz

It gets easier - I don't think children are any less hard work as they grow up (the problems just morph into different problems) but you adapt to it. You'll even look back on these days and miss them, I kid you not

digitalscream

We've only got the one, but I can't help feeling a little smug that we managed to keep her functional as far as her 20th birthday last week. I count that as a job well done (it was quite the challenge at times).

WezV

Niallmo said:

I'll re-iterate, I'll also get militant about this; the over-zealous nature of the mid-wives trying to get my wife to breast feed when it wasn't really possible anyway caused way more stress that it had any right to. She felt alienated and like a "bad mother". The commen sense option was to bottle feed and once that decision was taken it was a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. It enabled us to properly feed Thomas (once we'd worked out that he was REALLY hungry) and took massive pressure Off my wife. Again,, the latest studies are now showing very little difference between bottle and breast once you get to studying long term effects, shorterm, I.e. First few days/weeks is still in favour of breast feeding but not massively.

totally agree with this and it matches our experience too.   I was glad when my wife decided to give in after 2 weeks, it meant i could actually do something to help!   the baby had the first milk,  which is apparently the most important for a good boost to the immune system when born