Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

axisus

Dear Ukraine

Your new National anthem will be Back in the USSR by the Beatles

Your sincerely 

V Putin

axisus

Dear Madonna

Thanks, yes I would like a virgin.

Axisus

axisus

Dear Taylor Swift

Thankyou for making me a beautiful jacket so quickly

Axisus

jd0272

Dear Mr Bieber,

do pop around, I've just had the chisels sharpened, and I'm sure you'd appreciate that.

Regards,

Mr Douglas.

thecolourbox

hootsmon;406783" said:

Dear Gary Glitter

Nah........fuck yer gang

I heard he already did

thecolourbox

Dear Mr Casablancas

Yes I'm afraid that was it.

KR

richardhomer

Dear Noel,

Any chance of a glossary of terms?

I'd like to know what each of the following are;

- a 'wonderwall'

- a 'champagne supernova'

- a 'shaker-maker'

Any assistance would be greatly appreciated, or - to put it another way - I'd be 'mad for it'.

Please pass on my best wishes on to your younger brother.

Kind regards,

Richard

Flink_Poyd

Dear One Direction. I'm a big fan of yours and would love to have you all for dinner one night, this is an open offer so just pop round to 213 Oxford Apartments, Milwaukee the next time you're in America.
Lots of love
Jeffrey Dahmer

Wolfetone

Dear Mr. McCartney,

I refer to your recent letter requesting us to read your book.

It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that the content does not match our current requirements. I must advise that basing a story on works by Edward Lear does not appeal to our current readership and furthermore, your kind offer to add more content would suggest that the submitted item is incomplete despite taking a number of years to write.

Further to the above and given the content, I doubt your claims of the book making a million for me overnight! I have observed however, that your letter seems to have a strange rhythm of its own which has got me wondering if you perhaps should consider a career in songwriting.

Kind regards, 

Nunogilberto

Dear Mr Numan,

Further to your recent query, most friends aren't in fact electric.

Sincerely,

N-Power Customer Service Team

beed84

Dear Mr Bonamassa,

I'll be honest, I'm not a fan; however, in an attempt to make me one, can you please refrain from writing and/or releasing your next album. 

Here's to hoping.

beed84

Islandape

Dear Messrs Saxon,

If wanted frills you shouldn't have flown with us

Regards,

Ryan Air

HAL9000

Dear The Beatles, 

 Actually, yes, I would stand up and walk out on you 

 Yours etc

holnrew

Dear Take That,

I have Alzheimers and can't help but forget, and quite frankly think tha... How are you dear?

Yours,

Who am I again?

richardhomer

Dear Sting,

I can reassure you that your leg won't break when 'walking on the Moon'. The much lower gravitational force effectively means that you will weigh around a fifth of what you do on Earth, with the impact on your skeleton being correspondingly lower.

Given the pseudo-intellectual affectations you have adopted throughout your career, it seems odd that this basic physical fact should have passed you by....

My recommendation is keep hugging the trees and playing your lute. Neither of these should result in any harm - unless you're a music lover....

xSkarloey

Dear Messrs Jagger and Richards, 

With regard to your song about our client Mr John Flash (please note he dislikes going by the diminutive 'Jack'; furthermore a chronic condition means he is far from able to jump). 

Our client has asked us to request that you please cease and desist from singing this song forthwith, since it contains numerous biographical inaccuracies. 

Mr Flash would like to point out the following: 

1) At the time of his birth it was a perfect summer's day, with winds at lower than normal speeds

2) He has never howled at his 'ma' who he has always referred to quite politely and loving as 'mum'. 

3) You consistently refer to 'gas' in your song. Mr Flash assures me that he is not, nor has ever been, an abuser of nitrous oxide or any other gaseous substance for the purpose of recreational use

4) Mr Flash's mother was a noted beauty in her time and has always been scrupulous about dental hygiene and facial hair

5) Corporal punishment was never administered in his school. 

We could go on. 

Yours, 

Skarloey, Hitler and Associates (solicitors). 

Alnico

This thread is epic

monquixote

Dear Mr Lynott

Thank you for your recent enquiry relating to the jailbreak you believe will be taking place "somewhere in this town".

Having considered the matter we have concluded that the most likely location to be "the prison" for reasons which should be apparent if you take a moment to think about it.

Yours 

The Prison Governors Association

HAL9000

Dear Travis, 

 Perhaps it's because you left your umbrella at home. Duh! 

 Yours etc.

Hootsmon

Dear Beethoven

your tea's ready......

Hummmph....I said, YOUR TEA'S READY!