Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

HAL9000

Dear Mr Floyd (or may I call you Pink?), 

Yes, I think I can tell. Isn't Heaven the one with cherubs and things? 

Yours etc.

sinbaadi

Dear Stevie Wonder,
Your sporadic flurries of multiple repeated calls to this number are becoming a nuisance.
Sincerely,
Sinbaadi

Emp_Fab

Dear Peter, Paul & Mary,

It's winter. I'm quite sure they will all return again next spring. I thought you might have worked that out by yourselves to be honest.

Regards

Emp.

Gassage

Dear Musicians of Zimbabwe,

In honour of our great people and land, you will henceforth learn a new National Anthem.

Entitled "Old MacDonald Used to Have a Farm"

Yours,

Dr Robert M.

HAL9000

Dear Man in Black, 

 Shooting a man in Reno just to see him die isn't very nice. You could get yourself locked up. 

 Just saying.

Yours etc.

Gassage

Dear Eric Burden,

Actually, it's not there anymore. The bloody storms washed it away but the poor boys are being re-located and my parent's haberdashery business is still taking orders for alterations.

Hope this helps,

Yours,
Gass.

RocknRollDave

Gassage said:

Dear Musicians of Zimbabwe,

In honour of our great people and land, you will henceforth learn a new National Anthem.

Entitled "Old MacDonald Used to Have a Farm"

Yours,

Dr Robert M.

PS We have booked you onto the next episode of Later..With Jools Holland

Islandape

Mr Marley,

With all due respect, although his accidental shooting was indeed tragic, the fact is that Jonathan's string of convictions for defrauding pensioners, assaulting kittens and promoting  boy bands casts serious doubts on your assertion of his benevolent nature.  Indeed, after shooting the sheriff what else could one expect other than nervous law enforcement officers?

Regards,

The other deputy

mart

thecolourbox said:

Dear Ground Control

No I haven't had an accident in the last three years, and I don't have any loans that I was missold PPI on, so I am going to put the phone down now.

Thanks

Major Tom

PS , tell the papers I quite like TM Lewin usually, But I get the Primark cheap ones usually for day to day

Dear Major Tom,

The papers are most grateful for clarifying whose shirts you wear. However, the named people are, to say the least, somewhat disgruntled at discovering this theft from their wardrobes, and are requesting the immediate return of said shirts. 

One is even threatening legal action, and says that if you are not careful, there will soon be a suit over the shirt.

Yours,

Ground Control

HAL9000

Dear Bono, 

You don't specify what it actually is that you still haven't found. I suspect it's G# above middle C.

Could you confirm that this is indeed the case?

 Yours etc.

HAL9000

So many excellent posts here. Must be scope for a book and raise some funds?

richardhomer

RocknRollDave;407123" said:

Gassage said:

Dear Musicians of Zimbabwe,

In honour of our great people and land, you will henceforth learn a new National Anthem.

Entitled "Old MacDonald Used to Have a Farm"

Yours,

Dr Robert M.


PS We have booked you onto the next episode of Later..With Jools Holland

With Sting and Paul Simon....

xSkarloey

Dear Messrs Walker,

Contrary to your assertions, we confirm that the sun will indeed not only rise on the morrow as per usual, but it will also shine (cloud permitting).

Yours,

Michael the Fish.

xSkarloey

Dear Duke Ellington,

That's the last time I take travel advice off you, pal.

Bloody nightmare journey! You should rename that song "Take the Rail Replacement Bus Service".

Skarloey.

hungrymark

Dear The Police,

We have recently received a complaint of harassment from a resident in your district. In particular, the complainant feels that he 'can't even take a fucking breath' without being stared at by your officers. We will be investigating the matter and will contact you in due course.

Yours, the IPCC

chillidoggy

Dear Mr. Morrissey,

We write to inform you that the criminal act of murder cannot be applied to something that is already dead.

Yours,

The Guild of Master Butchers.

hungrymark

Dear The Police,

We have received a complaint from a resident in your district. She wishes to make it known that just because she wears make-up and likes to wear a little dress does not mean that she is going to 'sell her body to the night'. We will be investigating the matter and will contact you in due course.

Yours, the IPCC

monquixote

Dear Mr Ray Cyrus 

You might have been surprised to find this letter materialising in front of you in a ball of lightning, but rest assured there is a rational explanation. 

The organisation I represent has spent billions over the last ten years constructing a machine capable of sending small objects back in time to a precise location. The first use to which we have put this remarkable machine is to distribute this item of correspondence to you which if our calculations are correct should be reaching you in the year 1991. 

We are writing to inform you of the infidelity of your fiance and her intention to abandon you. 

Doubtless at this point you will have heard a sharp report not unlike a gunshot as your "achey breakey heart blows up and kills this man."

In your final moments I feel I owe you an explanation of why we would put a machine with such limitless application for good to such a cruel purpose. Rest assured that if you had heard the song "Wrecking Ball" you would understand. 

Best Regards, etc

SkyNet (Mrs)

Hootsmon

Dear bananarama

up a semi tone!

Hootsmon

Dear Gloria Jones

watch out for that tr........