What to say to your dad? Updated.....

monofin

Odd dilemma this?

I've haven't seen or spoken to my dad for something like 25 years - just got fed up of his apathy and disinterest in me - got the feeling he just saw me as some sort of long-haired lout.
Anyway, my 5 year old has been asking why he's never met his grandad so I've arranged to meet at my sisters house (neutral territory) on Sunday but the issue is I have no idea how to handle it.
Want to make the best show of it for my boy but what do you say to a father that's as good as disowned you for more than half your life (he never even got in touch when either if our children were born)?

viz

Hope it goes well.

Deadman

My Dad is dead. So is my Mum.
I envy you. Good luck, whatever happens.

jd0272

I'm not sure I'd have bothered my arse matey. But then, I'm not really that emotional as a person. I appreciate the desire for your son to meet his needs, but I'd figure what's the point?

It will, all the same, be VERY emotional for you, and more than likely upsetting. 

Keep us updated, hugely interesting post/topic fella.

jd0272

monofin said:

Odd dilemma this?

I've haven't seen or spoken to my dad for something like 25 years - just got fed up of his apathy and disinterest in me - got the feeling he just saw me as some sort of long-haired lout.
Anyway, my 5 year old has been asking why he's never met his grandad so I've arranged to meet at my sisters house (neutral territory) on Sunday but the issue is I have no idea how to handle it.
Want to make the best show of it for my boy but what do you say to a father that's as good as disowned you for more than half your life (he never even got in touch when either if our children were born)?

Actually, that's my Post Of The Year right there.

Alnico

You tell him that no matter what's happened, life is to short and you Love him unconditionally.

Even if it doesn't 'make it work', you will know you did the right thing.

Please forgive me if i've spoken out of turn, but i havn't had a Dad to speak to for 13 years now and i would give anything i own just for 5 minutes with his smile and his voice again.

Life is to damn short - Tell him that.

I genuinely wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.

Branshen

The fact that he's agreed to meet up shows he can still be bothered, and maybe even shows that he cares? I guess that best that you can do is to proceed with an open mind and a positive attitude. Best of luck!

spacecadet

Very difficult one. I fell out with my dad and we didn't speak for a couple of years. I ended up being the one that made contact when I heard he was in hospital. It actually came quite easy because of my son. It was a mutual interest and it got conversation going. I got 2 more years with him before he died. Would give anything to have him back. 

Your boy will be the easy bit. If you have done anything with your life other than that tell him. He will be proud. Hopefully you will be able to show him that you have had success in life and have something to show for it. 

Good luck.

ROOG

My kids are 20 something adults they can go and see my family if they want to. My parents can't be arsed and have barely seen my youngest ever. My parents can drop dead for all I care.

TTony

I had something similar, but not for 25 years.

Try to be "natural".  Try not to behave as if you've not seen him for 25 years.  Try to get 5mins with him before you introduce your son.  Listen to your sister.

And best of.

monofin

Funny thing is I'm only doing it for my boy. For years it was just like "fuck it if he's not interested" but then once I had kids began to wonder how the hell someone could ignore their own son and not even acknowledge the existence of his grandchildren.

Going to be a wired day I think

holnrew

I recently got in touch with my mum again after 4 years, slightly different though because she wanted to be in contact. Forget the past, start with a clean slate. Don't hold the past against him, judge him from the moment you meet him again.

I have a weird relationship with my dad, it's not bad per se, but he isn't good at keeping in touch. My younger sister doesn't like him because of it, but she's shit anyway. I accidentally put an "x" on the end of a text to him earlier today though. Awkward.

I'm not sure it's helpful to say how much you miss your own parents and almost guilt trip the OP though.

littlegreenman

After my parent's divorced I hardly saw my Dad, years would go by and nothing. Eventually my half-sister bullied him into making touch. Turned out that the longer it went, the worse he felt about it and that made it harder for him to reach out.

We get on OK now, but he still gets a bit torn up by all the years we've missed.

CabbageCat

It takes two to maintain a silence - so don't expect any apology from him (unless you offer one first).

Talk to him like a grown-up. He's probably fairly interested in what you've been up to so awkward silences shouldn't be much of a problem.

Be cool, be friendly, be a mate. Don't try to be a son until you've managed all of the others.

monquixote

The only advice I can give is perhaps try to meet him for a few minutes before your son does. 

It might be too weird otherwise.

underdog

How old were you when you last spoke? I only ask as I went 20 years without speaking to father, then I had a son and everything changed.

I grew up with the truth I was given turns it wasn't even half the truth.

Of course if you were old enough to know the real truth please ignore my post.

monofin

@holnrew made the point about guilt trip. No guilt trip here but sorry if touched a nerve with some that have lost close parents

I've had a pm from a member worth 1000 wisdoms. Really put the situation in perspective and helped - basically got to store whatever feelings, anger etc I've got and make the best of it for my boy.

What happens after that, dunno really and not sure how much I care - just need to do what I need to keep my boy's respect. I'm secondary in all this really

Thanks for the comments guys as this has really been preying on mind since my sis set it up

Stevepage

Going through the same thing myself mate. Haven't spoken to him for 14 years other than a quick word at a funeral a number of years ago. I too got fed up with his disinterest and decided to cut him out.

I too have no idea how to approach him, being 28 I would of thought I could deal with my emotions but when I try to confront things I can't handle it and feel like a helpless kid and that makes me furious.

monofin

@cabbagecat - agree, yeah it takes 2 but I gave up trying after a few years. Not expecting an apology though (not that one would be likely

@underdog. Think last time we met/spoke I would have been about 19 or 20

fretmeister

Alnico said:

You tell him that no matter what's happened, life is to short and you Love him unconditionally.

Even if it doesn't 'make it work', you will know you did the right thing.

Please forgive me if i've spoken out of turn, but i havn't had a Dad to speak to for 13 years now and i would give anything i own just for 5 minutes with his smile and his voice again.

Life is to damn short - Tell him that.

I genuinely wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.

Even if he's a weapons grade piece of shit?

PVO_Dave

Tricky one, should my dad even be alive when my daughter is old enough to know about such things, she won't get to meet him, once he left my mum he constantly let me and my brother down, I've got 5 years on my brother, so instead of getting upset, I just started to resent him the older I got. 

Absolutely crushed me, watching my little brother getting excited that dad was coming to visit, waiting at the end of the street, then for him to then not show up. 

I gave him another chance after not speaking for 7 years, he got in touch with me when I broke up with an ex, but after that meet / holiday at his place, he reverted to basically ignoring us. He lives in Spain these days, he's been to the UK lots (even very soon after) but never got in touch. 

He's never met my wife, not sure if he even knows he has a granddaughter and a grandson from my brother. The reason my daughter wont get to meet him, is that he hasn't changed in the 35 years I've been on the planet, I doubt he ever will. 

Best of luck though OP, just go and see him with the baggage left at the door, won't help either of you. If you decide you want to see him again, maybe then some of those topics could be broached.