What to say to your dad? Updated.....

randomhandclaps

fretmeister said:

Even if he's a weapons grade piece of shit?

Precisely the issue I have so wouldn't even know where to start with giving monofin any advice I'm afraid.  Both my parents were dangerously abusive so hence I effectively now don't have parents.  I do now however have two sons and the oldest who is 5 is naturally curious.  I didn't want to fill his head with horrors (especially as rather unfortunately they live quite locally), obviously though he does not know them.  To make matters even more complex my wife's father is a paedophile so as a result the only grandparent they have is a maternal grandmother.  I actually went to see a child councillor a few weeks back to discuss how I would approach it with my son(s) without either creating a wall of lies or discussing matters I do not want to with boys so young.  Since then we are managing better.

To me my parents are dead.  Monofin has his own reasons which he knows. I hope he chooses what's best for him and his son only.  That doesn't necessarily mean giving the boy a sub-standard Granddad or subjecting him to witnessing a fractious relationship between his father and Grandfather play out. 

Monofin, whatever you do I hope it works out well. 

Alnico

fretmeister said:

Alnico said:

You tell him that no matter what's happened, life is to short and you Love him unconditionally.

Even if it doesn't 'make it work', you will know you did the right thing.

Please forgive me if i've spoken out of turn, but i havn't had a Dad to speak to for 13 years now and i would give anything i own just for 5 minutes with his smile and his voice again.

Life is to damn short - Tell him that.

I genuinely wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.

Even if he's a weapons grade piece of shit?

When you put it like that, i can see your point. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. What i wanted to try to say was that by telling his Father that, he would maybe have felt that he's done and said the right thing, no matter how wrong the other person.

I was lucky to have had a great Father and i apologise for not considering that they aren't all like that. I didn't mean to generalise and certainly didn't mean to aggravate a sensitive issue.

underdog

monofin;454528" said:

@cabbagecat - agree, yeah it takes 2 but I gave up trying after a few years. Not expecting an apology though (not that one would be likely

@underdog. Think last time we met/spoke I would have been about 19 or 20

Fair enough mate, completely different situation to me, I was a child fed lies.

Life's too short sums it up for me, and by that I mean Life's too short to be trying to hate someone you love, or to be trying to love someone you hate or are indifferent to. Sounds like you're doing what's best for your son, which is what a parent does.

Good on you and best wishes dude.

thisisguitar

I think you'd be better off seeing if you can, or even want, to repair the relationship with your father first. What if your son is taken with him, but you feel nothing has changed? It may ultimately end up affecting your son for the worst. 

 

monofin

@randomhandclaps - bloody ell. Makes my woes seem a bit trivial un comparison!

@All. Some sage level headed advise here - sometimes it good to talk about stuff, even if it's on a guitar forum! Let's face it, it's not really the sort of subject I'd bring up in the pub or at work.

Thanks guys, you're great (fancy adopting me?)

Fortheloveofguitar

Wow!

There's a serious number of shit, estranged fathers in this thread, mine included.

My son has just turned 2 and I hope he won't be talking about me in this way when he grows up.

Emp_Fab

I've never believed that 'blood is thicker than water'.  The fact that two humans (accidentally in most cases) created you doesn't mean they should be forgiven all kinds of bad behaviour.  An arsehole is an arsehole is an arsehole - whether they happen to be a bloke in the pub or your father.

I think too many people get fucked up by wanting to fix things with estranged parents and failing.  Surprise surprise... the reason you fell out with them was because they were arseholes.  Arseholes rarely have epiphanies that suddenly turn them into loving kind people.

If I had an estranged father who was an arse and a 5 year old who wanted to know why he didn't see his grandad, I'd tell him "because he's an arse".

Jez6345789

Hi I think this had mostly been covered but basically you will need to suck it up its Christmas and do it for your son like his mates he wants a grandad. As I have grown older one of things that have become clear is some men are simply not meant to be fathers, or perhaps because of the behaviour of their own fathers are simply crap at playing the media created vision of the infinite loving family. I do think these days we live in a world where men have to be these awesome soccer playing best mates that shower their kids with treats, have boundless attention attend to the child's every need and generally treat them like little gods. Personally I do not see the world that way. I hope your reunion goes well

monofin

@emp_fab with respect, spoken like a man without kids…. I'd have said exactly the same before I had kids, changes your viewpoint somewhat

monofin

@jez6345789
You've hit the nail on the head. This started soon after by boy started school and wants to know why his mates have a grandad and he 'doesn't'

mart

Wow, there's a lot of wisdom in this thread. I'm afraid I don't have any of that to add, but I do hope the meet goes well, for your boy first and foremost, but also for you and your dad.

Jez6345789

Fortheloveofguitar;454689" said:

Wow!



My son has just turned 2 and I hope he won't be talking about me in this way when he grows up.

I think you will be amazed what he privately holds against you between at least now and 35 :-) My first daughter still thinks she had an awful child hood as we were too selfish (skint) to give her a sister and made her grow up lonely and on her own. Despite giving her boundless love working our arses off to keep a roof over her head and food on the table. She has now hit 38 and revised that stone in her shoe that has troubled her for all these years. Trying to raise a child in the modern world on normal wages gives you a reality check. I think kids spend far to much time watching crap media where every child for the sake of the script has to have an issue to make a drama. We are bombarded with every young soap or teen drama where no one is happy and are either abused or in a violent relationship, In simple terms no matter how hard you try at some point they will invent something you were too controlling "you mean I cared" "you hated my friends " what the ones I threw out for shitting on the carpet" etc etc Enjoy parent hood in the modern world it does have it's ups :-)

Emp_Fab

I'm lucky enough not to have them, so as you rightly observe, my viewpoint may not apply to your situation.

randomhandclaps

monofin said:

@randomhandclaps - bloody ell. Makes my woes seem a bit trivial un comparison!

Things is mate, they are still your problems and the priority is you and your son.  I really hope things go great and move forward.  I suppose the best thing is to take it as it comes but never feel compelled to do anything that ultimately makes you unhappy as your son will pick up on it.

chillidoggy

I haven't spoken to my dad for about 12 years. We had a big falling out, without going into detail. I have trained myself to become indifferent. I have no idea if he's alive or dead, and frankly, I now don't care because he has no influence on my life.

I am not proud of this, and would not necessarily offer this course of action up as practical advice, so I wish the OP all the best and hope it all works out. It does take two to tango though, and compromises have to made if relationships are to be rebuilt.

RobDavies

I can't offer any advice at all, I'm afraid.

But I can thank @monofin for highlighting to me how lucky I am to still have both my parents who I still see regularly and who I think the absolute world of - despite the fact that they divorced when I was fifteen.

"They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad" - mine didn't, and I'm eternally grateful for it.

Good luck fella, I hope it goes well.

not_the_dj

My Dad and his Dad didn't speak for many years, so I saw this from the grandchild's point of view. I remember seeing them once when I was a kid and that's it.

It was only after my Grandmother died (our side of the family weren't even told about that until after the funeral) that everyone eventually got back in touch, via a cousin who acted as a bit of a go-between.

It seems that both my Dad and my Grandad were so embarrassed about the whole thing, but neither of them were able to make the first move, so it just ended up with many many years passing for no real reason other than men and their pride/embarrassment.

It was a bit weird to start with, meeting a total stranger, but it's so much better now.

My Grandad then got to see both his Grandchildren get married (i.e. me and my brother), and he now knows my two kids (his great grand kids).

mudslide73

I never met either of my Grandads so I can understand the attraction it holds for your boy. Good luck matey.

frankus

You guys have Huckleberry Finn haven't you? Sounds like there's a lot of us like him.

My experience is indifferent parents make indifferent grandparents. Missed birthdays and missed Christmases they wound children, quietly say 'you don't matter'.

Bad parents aren't necessarily bad people just not up to the job. Of course they don't often accept that.

EricTheWeary

Hope it goes well.
My wife's mother and her mother were estranged for many years. They reconciled but only really in time for the last few years of her life. MrsTheWeary has some bitterness that her mother denied her access to her grandmother. But, I don't think it has ever consumed her every waking hour or affected her life in any great way. I didn't know my one grandfather at all as he died when I was tiny, I have relatives in Canada I don't know at all. I guess relatives offer us many permutations of complicated relationships, at least the OP's son knows his father for instance, which might not be true of all his class mates.
I guess it is what it is and trying to make it into something different is likely to be frustrating.