What to say to your dad? Updated.....

Iamnobody

Wow there's some complex family relationships on the FB!

I suspect only you know the answer to the question. No two scenarios are the same with family.

If I had that history and was in your position I would be very weary of the first meeting involving my boy.

Can you meet him alone first?

If the pair of you can't reconcile things then the grandparent/grandchild relationship is unlikely to be a happy one.

Plenty of kids grow up without knowing their grandparents...

digitalscream

Emp's post is not entirely without merit - we had a similar situation with our daughter and my father-in-law. We did exactly what you're doing - we even went all the way to Weston-super-Mare to see him.

It went kind-of-OK, and although my wife and her dad didn't exactly hit it off, our daughter enjoyed it. The thought that he'd do the same thing again was nagging in the back of my mind, though, and he didn't seem to have become a reformed character (he was far more interested in his new family) and, sure enough, after just over a year of relationship-building he and his wife manufactured an argument and summarily cut off all contact with our daughter - and told her so.

She was gutted in the extreme (bear in mind she was about 9 at the time).

I can only advise caution, and try to control the situation with regard to your son and how much he's invested in it. The fallout can last for years.

richardhomer

Parents can often be flawed individuals - there is no test to make sure they are 'suitable' before they have children. I'm not convinced that it is good for your son to witness a life-long enmity between his father and grand father. To not enter into some kind of reprochement will 'normalise' cutting off family to your son - who without fully understanding the background may be tempted to repeat the behaviour as he gets older.

It may well be that you feel very let down by your father - but dealing with that on a one-to-one basis is probably the right thing to do.

I'm a great believer in forgiveness - things can just eat away at you otherwise....

Axe_meister

I had a massive argument with my dad when I got married, hardly spoke to him after that just made sure he was OK (he lived alone in a mobile home), 4 years later I had to bury him.

He'd always had problems with relation ships, he fell out with his dad (OK he slept with his step mom who was his jnr), got married and divorced 6 times. Just was the only child who he kept in contact with.

RaymondLin

The details of my life are quite inconsequential ... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloé with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink; he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament ... My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon ... luge lessons ... In the spring, we'd make meat helmets ... When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds — pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilmer ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's breathtaking ... I suggest you try it.

chillidoggy

/\/\ Brilliant!

Hootsmon

hoi Pops....you owe me 25 xmas presents

frankus

One of my favourite Austin Powers quotes

racefaceec90

never knew my father. 

never want to either.

monofin

Update:
The good: spent a nice afternoon at my sister's who I only manage to see a couple of times a year
The bad: dad finally turned up, wasn't really interested in either me or the kids then made an excuse after about 20 mins and left.

Don't think there'll be any rush to repeat the experience - need to find the best way to play it for my boy

Alnico

I will say publicly i feel stupid for what i said earlier.

I'm sorry it went like that.

I think you should think about protecting your Son and i will think about not opening my stupid gob in future.

Hope you and your Family have a nice New Year.

EricTheWeary

Alnico said:

I will say publicly i feel stupid for what i said earlier.

I'm sorry it went like that.

I think you should think about protecting your Son and i will think about not opening my stupid gob in future.

Hope you and your Family have a nice New Year.

wow, that got me interested in reading your earlier post!
Given the context you gave I don't see anything to apologise for.
@monofin I guess it could have been worse, could have been better. At least you can say you tried.

BigMonka

I'm really sorry to hear that it didn't go well At least your son got to meet him and you should feel proud for putting yourself out there on your son's behalf - you sound like a good dad!

monquixote

What a dick.

You've been the bigger man and given him the chance which he's blown. 

You can now sack him off without any guilt or what ifs.

monofin

Alnico;458518" said:

I will say publicly i feel stupid for what i said earlier.I'm sorry it went like that.

I think you should think about protecting your Son and i will think about not opening my stupid gob in future.

Hope you and your Family have a nice New Year.

@alnico
Nothing stupid un what you said mate - you gave an opinion, that's what this place is for
In a way I'm glad it was pretty apathetic that way it stayed low key - hi grandad........ Bye grandad

randomhandclaps

One way of looking at it positively is that in many way this is the second best outcome you could have hoped for and perhaps the best outcome realistically possible.  The truly best outcome would have been what you always felt was unlikely in that it would have been some Hollywood style fairy tale reconciliation.  As it happens you tried.  Ultimately you didn't try for yourself, you tried for your son and in many way all the possible variations between the Hollywood ending and what actually happened could have created some far bigger issues for you.  What would have happened if he was all interested in your son and your son in him but you two still couldn't move on?  How about if he wanted a reconciliation with you but still had little interest in children?

From your son's point of view try not to worry to much.  You've sated his curiosity for the 'who is Granddad' and kids are amazingly perceptive at spotting dicks.  He has a good mum and dad, and in fact a dad who was big enough to swallow his own feelings to answer his sons questions.  Some kids have grandparents, some don't.  Some have them and they live on the other side of the world.  It's lovely when they have adults outside their mum and dad who they feel safe with and loved by but ultimately I don't think this has to be grandparents and I honestly don't believe it does any damage.

As I had said earlier in the thread the biggest thing that would effect your son is seeing you upset or struggling to maintain a smile in the company of your own father.  It doesn't even have to be obvious as kids are like atmospheric sponges.  I hope you're OK with it as it is but just get back to enjoying your son and that will be enough for him.  I can safely tell you the in 13 years time he won't be any the worse for it and you'll take him for a pint one day and smile as he tells you that he's always thought Granddad was a dickhead.

littlegreenman

randomhandclaps said:

One way of looking at it positively is that in many way this is the second best outcome you could have hoped for and perhaps the best outcome realistically possible.  The truly best outcome would have been what you always felt was unlikely in that it would have been some Hollywood style fairy tale reconciliation.  As it happens you tried.  Ultimately you didn't try for yourself, you tried for your son and in many way all the possible variations between the Hollywood ending and what actually happened could have created some far bigger issues for you.  What would have happened if he was all interested in your son and your son in him but you two still couldn't move on?  How about if he wanted a reconciliation with you but still had little interest in children?

From your son's point of view try not to worry to much.  You've sated his curiosity for the 'who is Granddad' and kids are amazingly perceptive at spotting dicks.  He has a good mum and dad, and in fact a dad who was big enough to swallow his own feelings to answer his sons questions.  Some kids have grandparents, some don't.  Some have them and they live on the other side of the world.  It's lovely when they have adults outside their mum and dad who they feel safe with and loved by but ultimately I don't think this has to be grandparents and I honestly don't believe it does any damage.

As I had said earlier in the thread the biggest thing that would effect your son is seeing you upset or struggling to maintain a smile in the company of your own father.  It doesn't even have to be obvious as kids are like atmospheric sponges.  I hope you're OK with it as it is but just get back to enjoying your son and that will be enough for him.  I can safely tell you the in 13 years time he won't be any the worse for it and you'll take him for a pint one day and smile as he tells you that he's always thought Granddad was a dickhead.

And that right there is why RHC has the highest fret-count on the forum.*











* Well, that and the knob jokes of course

frankus

monofin said:

Update:
The good: spent a nice afternoon at my sister's who I only manage to see a couple of times a year
The bad: dad finally turned up, wasn't really interested in either me or the kids then made an excuse after about 20 mins and left.

Don't think there'll be any rush to repeat the experience - need to find the best way to play it for my boy

He might have left there, having seen how much you connected with your kids, gone home and bawled his eyes out. But he's a human, he'd never admit he got it wrong to anyone else - most people won't even admit it to themselves. He might not admit it..

He left after 20 minutes he was obviously uncomfortable and most times people are uncomfortable it's because they feel flawed. If he was uncomfortable and didn't put anyone else down, that's rare, he might change a little (not much - people don't). But if he feels less ashamed you'll see more of who he really is... if you want that, if you're not angry with him.

It's understandable feeling uncomfortable around him, but he might be a completely different person to your kids. I'd see if your kid wants another go at meeting him.. who knows he might go the whole 30 minutes.. I live in fear of me and my kids wanting the same thing.. I grew up having to fit around lots of other people and it took a long time to discover what I was like or what I wanted ... so I see conflict as a sign I'm not pushing that fate on my sons.

My parents only drop by for 30 minutes once every other month and replay all the same old conversations, it's not what I'd want from family but you can choose your family, I've friends I'd class as closer than my brothers and sister, I know other people who do the job my parents didn't, coaching me... means the pressure on my family to deliver isn't there, which means I'm not disappointed takes all the strain out of meeting them.

boogieman

monofin;458454" said:

Update:
The good: spent a nice afternoon at my sister's who I only manage to see a couple of times a year
The bad: dad finally turned up, wasn't really interested in either me or the kids then made an excuse after about 20 mins and left.

Don't think there'll be any rush to repeat the experience - need to find the best way to play it for my boy

You did the right thing for yourself and your boy and you needn't regret anything. You're a brave bloke, I'm not sure I could have done the same thing.

Ps grandads are over rated anyway. Both mine smelt of piss.

frankus

I really missed my Grandad when he died, I was only ten but I guess all families are different.

I think there are a load of ways of interpreting what happened, it doesn't mean one is right or wrong - whatever works for the OP is the right thing and that can change at any time and still be fine.