Friday humour

merlin · September 2020

axisus said:

I'd buy it!

I'd buy it and wear the shit out if it!

rocktron · September 2020

An old Italian-American man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison on mob charges.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden - that's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived with floodlights, shovels, and spades and dug up the entire back garden area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

TheOtherDennis · September 2020

The missus is watching Dr Zhivago, which reminds me of this old one that Peter Ustinov told on Parkinson one night in the 70s.

An old Jewish man was finally given permission to leave the Soviet Union and join his son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren in Israel.

At Moscow airport, he had his bags searched by security.

Finding a bust of Lenin in his bag, the security guard snorted "What's this?"

"Not what's this, WHO'S this, ignoramus. This is Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, father of the revolution, saviour of Mother Russia and the man who united the whole of Eastern Europe under the glorious red flag. You should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing who he is."

"Hmph, ok, old man, you can go," sniffed the guard.

A few hours later, he arrived at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv. As he was going through customs, his bags were searched again. Finding the bust of Lenin, the customs officer said "What's this, old man?"

"Not what's this, WHO'S this, ignoramus. This is Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, the monster responsible for the Russian Revolution, a vile thug whose vicious supporters murdered millions and dragged the name of Russia through the mud. He's the reason why I've had to leave my home and live thousands of miles away. You should be ashamed of yourself for not recognising one of the greatest villains in history."

"Hmph, ok old man, you can go," sniffed the guard.

The old man went out into the airport, met his family in a joyous reunion and they went home together.

Back at the family house, the old man was in his room unpacking, when his 8-year old grandson came in.

"Grandpa, grandpa, can I help you unpack?"

"Of course you can."

Then the boy found the bust of Lenin.

"Who's this, grandpa?"

"Not who's this, my boy, what's this? This is four pounds of solid gold painted to look like lead."

guitars4you · September 2020

Why men should not write advice columns

Dear John - I hope you can help. The other day I set off for work, leaving the husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, then broke down about 1 mile from home. So I walked back home to get some help from my husband . When I got back home I could not believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter

I'm 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbours daughter is 19 - We have been married for 10 years - When I confronted him he admitted that they had been having an affair for over 6 months - He won't go to counselling - I'm now a wreck and need advice - Can you help - Sheila

Reply

Dear Shelia - A car stalling after been driven a short distance can be a variety of faults with the engine - Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line - If it is clear check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires - If none of these approached solve the problem it could be that the fuel pump is self is the problem , causing low delivery pressure to the injectors - I hope this helps - John

Emp_Fab · September 2020

TheOtherDennis said:

The missus is watching Dr Zhivago, which reminds me of this old one that Peter Ustinov told on Parkinson one night in the 70s.

An old Jewish man was......

AAHHRRGGGHHHHHH !!!! ANTISEMITIC !!!!! ANTISEMITIC !!!!