Friday humour

Fretwired

FarleyUK

Fretwired said:

Appropriate signature....

Fretwired

Hootsmon

LOL Would love a mock up of that couple banging away and a pair of these lobster things photobombing them

Hootsmon

axisus

Kebabkid

An oldie

Captain Kirk has just opened a chain of lingerie shops.

They're called Shatner Pants

strtdv

Acoustic: what a Scotsman chases a heifer with

HAL9000

strtdv said:

Acoustic: what a Scotsman chases a heifer with

Tamper: what a Yorkshireman takes on a picnic 
Cat flap: what a dyslexic Yorkshireman wears on his head

JerkMoans

Finally been persuaded to throw a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burns Night called ‘Chinese-Burns Night’ 

I wasn't keen on the idea at first, but they twisted my arm.

Kittyfrisk

Kittyfrisk

Kebabkid

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard."

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

proggy

I had to throw another log on the fire last night.

I really should get that toilet fixed.

Hootsmon

The Nina triplets and Mrs Nah

Nina Nina Nina Nah....

Fretwired

Anger Management Courses.

They're all the rage.

The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity.

So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

Little chicks kept falling out of my car so I took it to a mechanic.

He said "What do you expect, it's a hatchback."

Where do Centaurs go to buy their clothes?

Topman

The German inventor of blue tooth has unfortunately passed away.

R.I.P Hanns Free.

EricTheWeary

My son failed a test at school today because he couldn't spell Armageddon.
Never mind son, I said, it's not the end of the world.