Serious Post from me- Family rifts.

Gassage

As my Mum has gotten older, she has gone from being virtually a hippy chick to a nasty racist bigot.

I pleaded and begged her not to vote out. I explained it would have a material effect on me and everything around our family.

She replied she'd had enough of muslim this and polish that and so on.

I may have many bad character flaws but racism and bigotery are not in my nature.

Her actions have pushed me away and she doesn't seem to understand that it is not going to change. I really cannot deal with listening to the tirade of xenophobic crap she comes out with. Her voting to leave has also incensed me. It was so inconsiderate of her when I pick up the tab for her house and now a lot of my earning streams are threatened.

In between all of this my Dad is as ill as ever and needs care, and she's asking me why I don't visit more often. The truth is I cannot deal with all of the bigotery.

I know it sounds like I am being an arse but these are fundamental beliefs I hold.

holnrew

Get Jeremy Kyle to help

holnrew

For real though I didn't speak to my mum for four years, sometimes some space is what's needed. 

Gassage

holnrew said:

For real though I didn't speak to my mum for four years, sometimes some space is what's needed. 

Not easy when my Dad is dying in her arms, albeit it slowly, so to speak.

axisus

I wouldn't beat her up over the vote. Her one vote did not swing the result. However, racism and bigotry is something that I would not want to have to listen to. I think I'd say that any time I came around and that talk started up I'd be leaving straight away.

Gassage

axisus said:

I wouldn't beat her up over the vote. Her one vote did not swing the result. However, racism and bigotry is something that I would not want to have to listen to. I think I'd say that any time I came around and that talk started up I'd be leaving straight away.

I think you are right about that bit. Thing is, the underlying racism informed her vote though.

WezV

My mum says she is allowed to be racist because a group of Asian lads were mean to her once. But the real reason I cant be bothered is she has only seen my 4 year old 3 or 4 times, and still hasn't bothered to see my 9 week old despite visiting the town I live in twice in that time, and cancelling on us both times.

Iamnobody

It's a generational thing. I'm assuming she's well over 70?

Its easy to forget but our country was a very different place when this generation grew up.

In my experience the older people get they lose their inhibitions and really start to speak their mind. Sometimes clearly without thinking first.

It sounds like your Mum has a lot to deal with as well so maybe you can excuse her the odd vent?

I don't think it's worth falling out over - probably easier said than done but try and laugh it off. 

Your Mum's vote hasn't potentially affected your income streams - over half the voting public have...

Gassage

Iamnobody said:

Your Mum's vote hasn't potentially affected your income streams - over half the voting public have...

Yes, but I thought she was intelligent. That's the thing.

musteatbrain

Similar recent experiences here. It reminded me of this old article about how the brain changes with age. Some interesting links on the bottom http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-33523313

Iamnobody

Gassage said:

Iamnobody said:

Your Mum's vote hasn't potentially affected your income streams - over half the voting public have...

Yes, but I thought she was intelligent. That's the thing.

I mentioned it before elsewhere - a lot of people still feel duped by the '75 referendum vote. They haven't  necessarily looked at the bigger picture and taken the first chance to get out of 'that Europe'.

I think you should accept her choice. I imagine she's been accepting of some of your life choice in the past?

I'm starting to sound too sensible now...

Gassage

Iamnobody said:

I mentioned it before elsewhere - a lot of people still feel duped by the '75 referendum vote. They haven't  necessarily looked at the bigger picture and taken the first chance to get out of 'that Europe'.

I think you should accept her choice. I imagine she's been accepting of some of your life choice in the past?

I'm starting to sound too sensible now...

Yeah, didn't speak to me for 2 years when I came out.

strumjoughlamps

sounds like you have your mind made up and that's the end of it so just disown your Mum and get on with life, arrange with her that you will visit your Dad when she does the shopping. job done

Iamnobody

Gassage said:

Iamnobody said:

I mentioned it before elsewhere - a lot of people still feel duped by the '75 referendum vote. They haven't  necessarily looked at the bigger picture and taken the first chance to get out of 'that Europe'.

I think you should accept her choice. I imagine she's been accepting of some of your life choice in the past?

I'm starting to sound too sensible now...

Yeah, didn't speak to me for 2 years when I came out.

An even better reason to not fall out again - especially over something relatively trivial like a leave vote?

Dominic

I hear exactly the same from most of my friends and colleagues parents who are over 70,my own mother of 80 included.
The country we live in is not the same country that they grew up in.
My own mother says that her father ,a decorated military hero of both wars would be "spinning " in his grave if he could see what he fought for !
Although my friends parents are well educated and travelled they have a mindset that was cast in 1950 s Britain.........it goes beyond the xenophobia, which is a more appropriate description than Racism because they are not actually viciously racist ;
They find it awful how children are so spoilt ( when they should be seen and not heard ) ,they can't get their head around the fact that an intelligent 30 year old can be a Director of a company or an MP etc when they should still be an apprentice !
 They find Property prices "ridiculous telephone numbers " , and simply don't believe the figures that some City types earn as if it's a made-up conspiracy to inspire people. 
They dismiss the Vexacious compensation culture as some "American Nonsense " and cannot understand how people contemplate driving 50 miles to work as a commute when, in their day, that would have been a major Sunday outing that was planned ,the car was greased,sandwiches and tea flasks made and a tartan travelling rug packed !
 It is simply that they are as misplaced in a society that has accelerated so fast in the last 20 years as William the Conqueror would have been had he been teleported into the Industrial revolution -The rate of change ,Socio and Economic has been so rapid in the recent past that more has happened and changed in 20 years than it did  from 1700 to 1900 - they have been left behind by the pace and movement of populations ,ease of travel etc . They are not bad but they are relics.

Garthy

Gassage said:

Iamnobody said:

Your Mum's vote hasn't potentially affected your income streams - over half the voting public have...

Yes, but I thought she was intelligent. That's the thing.

It is very rare that a post, tweet or Facebook status leaves me lost for words, or at least an instant response. Your intolerance to other people's views especially on this referendum and that you appear to think that you're the center of the universe tells me that the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. My wife fell out with her dad for ten years, since made up but bitterly regrets the cold years despite her second chance to make things right. It sounds like time is against you so if you fuck this up you won't get a second chance if your views soften or alter for whatever reasons.

camf

Trying not to be too glib, but I think the only way to deal with old people's increasingly intolerent views is to think of them more to be pitied rather than scorned. I hope it's true that the best course of action is to try and use their failings as the best possible inspiration to regularly take stock of one's own views and try really hard to make sure you get better as a human being, kinder and more tolerent with the advancing years, rather than fall into the opposite course.  Maybe?

Chalky

She's your mother - compared to all she's done for you, tolerance of her annoying behaviour seems like a tiny effort.

FelineGuitars

This bleeding referendum has brought out so much unrest it's not true.

It has alienated friends, families and partners and people ned to get a grip and remember that family and friends are more important.
What you may see as racist attitudes may actually reflect how she feels, and normally not a problem as it doesn't normally live on the surface. and what she feels may be as a result of very strong propaganda and indoctrination from a time where it may have been less enlightened or used as a way to keep a country working in a certain way.

It is commendable that so many people are as open minded  as they seem to be over race issues or sexuality issues.

I'm sorry that the Brexit is affecting your business activities - although all our political parties being in turmoil does as much damage too....as well as fucking bankers manipulating things this way and that to earn a quick buck (even at the expense of their country)....and the EU politicians are going to behave like a jilted girlfriend towards us for a while and act like the UK can go fuck itself  as it no longer wanted to play nice.

My own family is all from the North East and Yorkshire and those areas garnered a HUGE Brexit vote - as much to pay back Cameron etc & the stuck up Tory toffs who had destroyed their areas, marginalised them and then ignored and left them to rot for a generation or two.
As you know I grew up in Brixton, Croydon and South London so my attitudes are a little more Metropolitan to say the least but I do understand.

WezV

Chalky said:

She's your mother - compared to all she's done for you, tolerance of her annoying behaviour seems like a tiny effort.

There is a point where that card loses all relevance. If you don't agree, I feel happy for you.

lloyd

A lot of sense been talked, first off, don't make it a leave/remain thing-you're bound to have political differences with all kinds of people. The racism stuff is bad of course but she's an old lady, old ladies are "allowed" to be bigoted-try and see it as a generational thing. If you can't, you're gonna miss out on a relationship with your mum and dad. Could you not both sit down and agree not to talk politics/religion/immigrants and concentrate on the important stuff? I rarely speak politics with my folks as its bloody boring, they have differing ideas to me on many things, so I just don't engage on that level (they're not racist/bigoted or leave voters mind).