Serious Post from me- Family rifts.

Nikko

This reminds me a little of the relationship ive had with my Mum. I moved out when I was 19, not knowing that her and my dad were having 'issues'. As soon as id gone, my Mum saw it has her opportunity to steal all my Dads money, and fuck off with some druggie 25 years her junior.

I didn't particularly like my Mum for that, in fact you could say that I completely disagreed with her choices, and I ended up not seeing or even speaking to her for about 10 years. My good lady managed to persuade me that (personal feelings aside), that I should probably answer her next time she reached out (shed had done this more and more frequently). I took her advice and we arranged to meet up for a chat.

Long story slightly shorter, im glad I did. She has health issues, and is quite frail at the best of times. I cant imagine how id feel if I lost her now without having had more time with her.

Put your political feelings, and your differences of opinion aside, and just be her Son.

ESBlonde

Your mother played her part in creating you and your views. She is entitled to hers what ever it is. Given the age and state of health your parents have,I'd advise enjoying the remaining time with them because you will miss them all too soon.

impmann

OK, I haven't got the time to read all three pages of this thread... but I'm going to add this and just let you think on it.

My father was an alcholoic. He was a great guy but gradually the booze consumed him to the point that he turned into a monster that my sister and I were scared of one minute and a pathetic wreck the next, trying to explain how much he loved us. This all took place in my early teens and had a *profound* effect on my life - I won't go into depth but my teenage years were hell, I turned into a loner and just stayed home to look after my family and take care of my mum.

Eventually she made the painful decision to throw him out - not easy, and this was a long time ago when such things were much more difficult than now. I vowed I'd not speak to him again, and we had a row where I said some things to him that I regret and would destroy me if my son ever said them to me.

Two weeks after that row, he fell backwards down some concrete steps whilst pissed and smashed his skull open. The resulting brain damage reduced the man I knew as "dad" to strange shell, who didn't quite function as a normal human being any more. After a long spell in hospital, he went to live with his aging father (who was in his late 70s by this point). This situation was hopeless and it wasn't long before my grandfather couldn't cope, and my dad went to live *somewhere else*... to this day, I don't know exactly what happened.

All I do know is about six months later he died in a homeless shelter of complications from pneumonia. He died penniless and alone, and when they found him in the morning, the other occupants of the shelter had robbed him of every stitch of clothing he had, and there were no belongings to his name.

I've had 21 years to deal with this - but not a day goes by when I don't want to unsay those words and regret what happened. I don't blame myself as he brought it on himself, he was on a downward spiral but I'd like to spare anyone the pain of regret like this.

Blood is thicker than and all that. Yes, she has views you don't agree with. Yes, she contributed to the mess we are all in now. And I totally agree with you about your principals and that racism, xenophobia etc are abhorent. But, mate... she's your mum. You only get one. Don't fall out over it - she is probably dying inside watching your dad being so ill and that sort of grief can come out as anger, resentment and hate.

Don't ever say anything or do anything that you'd ever want to unsay or undo... that's my advice. It took me YEARS to get over it.

Wazmeister

I think folks @gassage is probably looking for a bit a support and gentle advice... grace in all directions maybe ?

Chalky

My gentle advice is - stop picking on old ladies.

MrBump

Just a thought - aggression and mood swings in the elderly can be a sign of dementia. When my mother became ill with Alzheimer's and vascular dementia, she was massively irritable and came out with stuff that I knew she didn't really believe. Might be worth a subtle trip to the docs. Or at least take some advise in that direction.

PVO_Dave

Wazmeister said:

I think folks @gassage is probably looking for a bit a support and gentle advice... grace in all directions maybe ?

I think the simplest answer then;

Voting leave, having racist views and generally having a very different outlook on life aren't worth cutting all ties with her and making it difficult for you to see your dying father. You don't have to agree with her and you can ask her to not talk about subjects you are not comfortable with, conversation has two be a two way thing.

This is coming from someone who has disowned their own father, I'd still be speaking to him if the above were his only shortcomings. 

lloyd

Wazmeister said:

I think folks @gassage is probably looking for a bit a support and gentle advice... grace in all directions maybe ?

He doesn't want his arse kissing, he's getting some good advice here whether he likes it or not!

Jalapeno

Could be your Mum's getting cranky (and demanding attention) as a result of your Dad's terminal illness.

WezV

I think its wrong to assume the current issue is the one driving the problem. my assumption would be its just the latest in a long line of issues, and probably not the biggest by far

But I admit I am making assumptions based on my own strained maternal relationship.

octatonic

I'm amazed no-one has done a '"Family riffs' parody thread.

Philly_Q

octatonic said:

I'm amazed no-one has done a '"Family riffs' parody thread.

It had crossed my mind too, but I wasn't feeling imaginative enough to actually kick it off with an example.

camf

camf

Philly_Q

Oh, OK then....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnwWm60IZlo

camf

Handsome_Chris

Does this count?  Your eyes will bleed with the pity.

Philly_Q

Having just got home from a funeral which we all managed to survive without any major rows... let's heal those family rifts, folks.

TheMarlin

How anybody votes should be no concern of yours. Everyone is entitled to a vote of their choice. 

Axe_meister

It is a sign of the times When ever things get difficult people tend try to find things/people to blame for their hardships.
And things are hard. We have a new world order with globalisation, the U.K. No longer being the power house it once was. We are unlikely to see the kind of prosperity we saw in the 90s/00s for a very long time.
It has always been this way.
I remember a saying my Mum used to say in the 70s, scratch a socialist and you'll find a fascist under the skin (she worked for the Labour Party at the time).
The best thing to do is.
a) Ignore her rants, she is probably feeling absolutely helpless trying to come to term with your dads and her own mortality.

b) Change the subject.
c) Actually have a debate, not a heated angry one but a calm well thought out debate.
If it get a bit too heated, agree to disagree and agree to not go near the subject again in a civil manner.