How do you deal with difficult, argumentative partners of your friends?

octatonic

Wondering how people deal with this situation.
We had some people stay over the weekend.
More friends with the woman in the couple than the bloke- who I'd only met once before for about an hour.

She was fun to be around, as usual- chatty, interesting and interested.
He was a bit of a tit- very argumentative, dismissive, negative and constantly challenging what people said- he was worse with a few drinks in him but he was kinda like that when sober too.
Not sure why he was doing it, I suspect he is uncomfortable in social situations- but it was unnecessary and unwanted behaviour.

We both blithely ignored rising to the bait and just continued on with our weekend as though nothing was going on.

Would you have raised the issue with him, or his partner?
Would you do it after the fact?
We don't want to lose touch with her, but if they come as a pair (and they do, given they are married) then it becomes a clear choice of putting up with it or not having much to do with either of them.

What say you, brain trust?

cj73

Does your SO share your feelings?

octatonic

cj73 said:

Does your SO share your feelings?

Yes, she does.

cj73

And as a secondary, does his?

octatonic

cj73 said:

And as a secondary, does his?

At one point his wife got quite fed up with him doing it and in a frustrated tone of voice said "Can you just stop it?" when yet another barbed comment was thrown in our direction.
She has mentioned in the past that he can be a bit difficult to be with.

Chalky

In our experience we've let the friendship lapse or become one of those once in a blue moon things. We have plenty of enjoyable friends so why waste time with unenjoyable people? Life is too short.

PS I guess the guy maybe didn't want to be at yours anyway?

Sambostar

I've only acted like that when surrounded by academic feminists.  Otherwise I'm as mellow as.

Just saying.  Why didn't you just ask him about it particularly?  I mean, it's no good whinging afterwards, if you don't put stuff out, people will never know and you're go around in circles.

mellowsun

I know this situation well! 

I'm not sure I would raise it unless he is outright rude to you or your partner.

I know someone like this but I have known him a long time so I do challenge him on this and his behavior has improved. It's difficult if you don't know the person.

I would maybe try to limit the visits and arrange to meet them on neutral territory.

Either that or you could laugh it off and try not to take him seriously, can be difficult though.

Winny_Pooh

Tough one, your wife could speak to her about her visiting solo if you think you'll get an understanding response but I cant see it going easily, besides, she married him.

Sambostar

He sounds more like he's frustrated.  Maybe he hates you?

WezV

cj73 said:

Does your SO share your feelings?

I am not one to cry "mumsnet" when a non macho topic comes along. But that abbreviation makes me think we are getting closer.

cj73

octatonic said:

cj73 said:

And as a secondary, does his?

At one point his wife got quite fed up with him doing it and in a frustrated tone of voice said "Can you just stop it?" when yet another barbed comment was thrown in our direction.
She has mentioned in the past that he can be a bit difficult to be with.

I'm lucky then. I had the ability in my 30s to be "that guy", since divorced and have a new partner who never hesitates to say I'm being a dick when I deserve it.  

As stated by others, if everyone knows it but him I'm  not sure he'll change 

which would be a shame.  

Any chance of a you and him chat / drinks and see what he's like then?

thomasross20

Tough one. I'd try and ignore such engagements in future with those people.
On the other hand, it's a form of bullying to be so rude and negative and I feel fight fire with fire sometimes, or call them out on it. Depends on the mood!Generally I try to keep peace.

WezV

I tend to make it perfectly clear their opinion doesn't matter to me.


my father in law is the worst for it.

Sambostar

It all depends on the spiritual energies though eh.  What you described means so many different things to different people.  I mean if he genuinely felt like he didn't have a look in from word go because you've already made your mind up that you are intellectually superior to him and more worldly than him, then he'll probably just get worse and worse and in retrospect maybe actually you are the one at fault and it was your energy he was feeding off.  Were you genuinely offended or just annoyed?  I'd imagine it was the latter, which goes a long way to describing your feelings about him.  He may have been a dick, but to be honest, as excess baggage to the whole situation he was probably just immensely bored.  Also you don't drink which doesn't help and let's face it, you are extremely middle class.

sev112

At heart they're probably very nice people with different social skills to yours

its often a coping strategy from work or other aspects of life that just become 2nd nature

you can only coach it out of them, you can't do it just by saying so

Sambostar

Actually that's a good point that.

Myranda

octatonic said:

cj73 said:

And as a secondary, does his?

At one point his wife got quite fed up with him doing it and in a frustrated tone of voice said "Can you just stop it?" when yet another barbed comment was thrown in our direction.
She has mentioned in the past that he can be a bit difficult to be with.

Hmm. 

Do you have access to a large wooden man and some Bees? 

octatonic

We do have some bees in the paddock below the property.
Our neighbour is a keeper.

Bygone_Tones

I wouldnt take it personally. Sounds like he just didnt want to be there and his wife dragged him along against his will. Some people cant just switch to being nice when they are in a bad mood. Maybe he is a decent guy when he is doing something he enjoys.

snakemanStoo

Myranda said:

octatonic said:

cj73 said:

And as a secondary, does his?

At one point his wife got quite fed up with him doing it and in a frustrated tone of voice said "Can you just stop it?" when yet another barbed comment was thrown in our direction.
She has mentioned in the past that he can be a bit difficult to be with.

Hmm. 

Do you have access to a large wooden man and some Bees? 

Wait, is this related to what DiscoStu is building?