Friday humour

Lebarque · July 2022

bobeschism said:

Eh?

Brio · July 2022

Ain't got that swing.

PhilW1 · July 2022

https://youtu.be/J3mrsFGVhj4

Haych · July 2022

A woman died and, standing before Saint Peter, asked, "Would it be possible for me to be reunited with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."

Saint Peter asked, "What's his name?"

"John Smith", replied the woman.

Saint Peter paused and sucked through his teeth, with a doubtful look on his face, before saying, "Wow, we get a lot of John Smiths. But perhaps I could search for him by his final words. Do you remember his last words?"

She thought a moment and then said, "Oh, I remember! He said if I ever slept with another man after he died, he'd roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" exclaimed Saint Peter, "You mean 'Whirling John Smith'!"

boogieman · July 2022

Jesus is feeling bored so he decides to go to the pearly gates to catch up with his old mate Peter.

“Hello Peter, how’s it going”

”Oh wotcha Lord. I’m ok thanks…although I haven’t had a piss for a couple of centuries. Could you mind the gates for me?”

”Errr, yeah, ok. What do I have to do?”

”Oh you know, ask anyone who comes up a few questions. Stop the riffraff getting in, that sort of thing”

Jesus agrees and St Peter goes off.

A little while later an old man with a white beard appears. Jesus asks him why he’s come?

”Well I’m looking for my son, he should be here”

”Listen mate, there’s millions of people in here, you’ll need to be more specific”

”Err, ok. Well he’d be in his mid 30s.”

”Oh come on” Jesus replies “Give us a clue. Has he got anything special about him?”

“Errr, well…. yes! Hold on. He’s got holes through his hands and feet!”

Jesus looks at the old bearded man, then says “Father, is that you?”

The old man replies “Pinocchio!!!!!”