Devastating News

holnrew

Mr Ross is stronger than braveheart

thomasross20

@TheBlueWolf  hopefully just a slip.. 
@holnrew  thanks - I'll take that!!
@sweepy I PM'd you

Emp_Fab

Big hug to @sweepy here.  I can't imagine what you too must be going through.  Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes.

Evilmags

thomasross20 said:

Going to get it sorted. 

On Tues it's the oncologist which is good because she is seriously (!!!) bloated. Could be ascites or edema or Cushing's syndrome - I've no idea, but oncologist should. Her face is round, her stomach bloated, her ankles very swollen. Not good for her, lots of crying about how she's not the person she used to be, but I'm offering lots of support, as well as family and friends. I feel the last two weeks has been a bit of a downslope unfortunately. Frequent afternoon naps, struggling up the stairs etc. Her eating has been legendary due to the steroids but the swelling is something else completely. Not good..!

Steroids make people bloat. You are doing an amazing job, stay strong and keep it up. 

thomasross20

Not long had the oncologist meeting. In short, tumours are bigger and it's probably more the cancer than the medication which is causing her tiredness and swelling. Doctor confirmed it's good I'm taking the time off now. 

I sent work a few e-mails just to see how things are but they seem so stressed and focused on things since the company is thinking about going private, and it's all about timescales. I feel people are jockeying for position (it used to be so good..) and I personally feel a little under-appreciated as a designer given I do more actual design work than some principals... so Sheena says give it 6 months "after the event" and look around. I just get so stressed and down even thinking about going back. 

Thankfully my TO-DO list is a little shorter now so can spend less time doing tasks and more time together. I feel my whole take on life is sort of changing, and after all these years of me being meek, I'm starting to step up and tell people how it really is - sort of like how Sheena has been ever since I met her (but in a good way!). She sent her son a big text asking why he hasn't made any effort or asked about the cancer in all the 18 months she's has it but he tried to wriggle out of it. It's not him "coping," as people suggest - he's just selfish and a bit of a hedonist. He'll never get that time back. I feel quite angry now actually - maybe this is one of the "phases." I just want to shout "F*** off" to the world!! (Not you guys, though!! )

Snap

hi Tom, screw everyone else, its all just about the two of you. Nothing else matters does it? We are all thinking of you both and wishing you as much support as we can.

J

CabbageCat

thomasross20 said:

She sent her son a big text asking why he hasn't made any effort or asked about the cancer in all the 18 months she's has it but he tried to wriggle out of it. It's not him "coping," as people suggest - he's just selfish and a bit of a hedonist. He'll never get that time back. I feel quite angry now actually - maybe this is one of the "phases."

I think you should give him a bit of a break. It is his mum and I daresay he's feeling pretty bad about stuff. I'm sure he is being "selfish" but that's what coping is - looking out for oneself. I don't think other people putting pressure on him to deal with things the way they want him to will do anyone any favours.

You and Sheena have enough to deal with without taking him on as well. 

Cabicular

Snap said:

hi Tom, screw everyone else, its all just about the two of you. Nothing else matters does it? We are all thinking of you both and wishing you as much support as we can.

J

Wisdom
its easy to get caught up in the drama especially where families are involved. But the whole thing is a massive injustice so it's really easy just to want to rail against everything
The boy will be fighting his own battle and he'll carry that with him all his days. Just get through today and start again tomorrow mate

thomasross20

Thanks guys and fear not - I'm including him in the loop and haven't mentioned anything. The whole family recognises it but I focus on Sheena and the girls. 

underdog

TheBlueWolf said:

TheBlueWolf said:

You and Sheena are in my thoughts Tommy

Whoever LOL'd this comment is a cunt!

Wasn't me but I've often hit lol by mistake on the mobile site while scrolling

Evilmags

You can't do everything, but you are doing everything that is important. 

richardhomer

Tom, the son thing must seem 'wrong' - but when my Dad was rushed to hospital with an aortic aneurism when I was 19, I 'knew' he was going to die and couldn't face going to see him. He had three surgeries before dying three weeks after first being admitted.

I can't really rationalise my behaviour - even with 34 year's of hindsight. I think the whole situation was too 'big' for me to cope with the emotion of. What I am clear about, is I behaved badly and let someone down when they needed love ones the most. I'm pretty ashamed of this - but hope sharing it may help you accept his behaviour. There's no room for anger - please just try to let it go.

With regard to your work frustrations, let those go too. There will be a point where you will want to go back, if only because it represents some kind of 'normality'.

As others have said, taking things day-to-day is really all you can do. 

As ever, I wish you both the very best.

TheBlueWolf

underdog said:

TheBlueWolf said:

TheBlueWolf said:

You and Sheena are in my thoughts Tommy

Whoever LOL'd this comment is a cunt!

Wasn't me but I've often hit lol by mistake on the mobile site while scrolling

It may well have been a mistake. It's forgotten about.

I'm not sure what to suggest regarding Sheena's son; he knows the situation and he's old enough to decide for himself. That's not meant to sound as harsh as it might come across

thomasross20

I'll only say this last piece about her son. We get on and I've kept him in the loop. All that I should be doing. He moved out of home aged 16 (for some "freedom" and because he got a free lift to school) and it really affected his mum, she loves him so much. He went to uni and got involved in cannabis or whatever it was, but it seems to have had a long-term affect on his state of mind. He gave his mum a lot of abusive phone calls around that time (unprompted) and because she's the one that loves him most, she got him help. It was the right thing to do, but she got a backlash from him for doing so. They're now talking again but through independent sources I know he thinks his mum is controlling and he doesn't see eye-to-eye with her. When we were due to go to Madrid, my friend Graeme (who @evilmags met) came down from Aberdeen at 3am to pick us up for the flight.. but her son refused to spend one night in the flat with us and wanted Graeme to take a massive detour to get him. I said no (it just wasn't "cricket") and his little sister had to get up early to drive him here. Even before the cancer he was rarely in touch. At my stag do he said he didn't care about the past or old photos, only about the future - and he's always just pointed out how "moany" he thinks his mum is (can't remember anything positive he's ever said). Since last January he's never made any effort to visit or even call really, hasn't asked once about the cancer... but most weekends he'll spend the time, energy & money to go through to Glasgow to go drinking with friends and have a good time. By anybody's standards, it's just not good enough, and never has been even prior to the cancer. It just makes it worse now. And I'm not the only one saying it. Sheena sent him a long message asking "why?" so she can die in peace but he just turned it around, asking why we aren't in touch and that I don't update him (which 100% is not true...) - basically trying to wriggle out of it. Basically, he's only concerned with himself, or so it seems. I think after Sheena's last message, he might be concerned about his inheritance (plus also feeling a little bad..), which is why he's been in touch a bit more. But I know for a fact before he replied to his mum, he asked his cousin's why he was getting arsey texts off his mum.... 

There's more to it, but that's the gist. When people say it's a coping mechanism... it really isn't. Sheena knows her son and I'd like to think I know him too. He's decent but in my mind, a little selfish and a bit of a hedonist. However I'm here for him and I let him know what's going on. He'll never get that lost time back, or at least I hope he would. I'm just glad that he's in touch a little more now.. but given he had to be prompted with a "die in peace" message, I can't be sure how genuine all this is - I just hope Sheena can take some comfort in it. Between him not seeming to care, her eldest daughter being autistic and her youngest daughter clamming up and not talking about it, she feels a lot of love but also heartache for her children. 

@richardhomer your dad will have known you loved him. He'll have known.

Anyway it's a brand new day and there's loads to do!

boogieman

thomasross20 said:

I'll only say this last piece about her son. We get on and I've kept him in the loop. All that I should be doing. He moved out of home aged 16 (for some "freedom" and because he got a free lift to school) and it really affected his mum, she loves him so much. He went to uni and got involved in cannabis or whatever it was, but it seems to have had a long-term affect on his state of mind. He gave his mum a lot of abusive phone calls around that time (unprompted) and because she's the one that loves him most, she got him help. It was the right thing to do, but she got a backlash from him for doing so. They're now talking again but through independent sources I know he thinks his mum is controlling and he doesn't see eye-to-eye with her. When we were due to go to Madrid, my friend Graeme (who @evilmags met) came down from Aberdeen at 3am to pick us up for the flight.. but her son refused to spend one night in the flat with us and wanted Graeme to take a massive detour to get him. I said no (it just wasn't "cricket") and his little sister had to get up early to drive him here. Even before the cancer he was rarely in touch. At my stag do he said he didn't care about the past or old photos, only about the future - and he's always just pointed out how "moany" he thinks his mum is (can't remember anything positive he's ever said). Since last January he's never made any effort to visit or even call really, hasn't asked once about the cancer... but most weekends he'll spend the time, energy & money to go through to Glasgow to go drinking with friends and have a good time. By anybody's standards, it's just not good enough, and never has been even prior to the cancer. It just makes it worse now. And I'm not the only one saying it. Sheena sent him a long message asking "why?" so she can die in peace but he just turned it around, asking why we aren't in touch and that I don't update him (which 100% is not true...) - basically trying to wriggle out of it. Basically, he's only concerned with himself, or so it seems. I think after Sheena's last message, he might be concerned about his inheritance (plus also feeling a little bad..), which is why he's been in touch a bit more. But I know for a fact before he replied to his mum, he asked his cousin's why he was getting arsey texts off his mum.... 

There's more to it, but that's the gist. When people say it's a coping mechanism... it really isn't. Sheena knows her son and I'd like to think I know him too. He's decent but in my mind, a little selfish and a bit of a hedonist. However I'm here for him and I let him know what's going on. He'll never get that lost time back, or at least I hope he would. I'm just glad that he's in touch a little more now.. but given he had to be prompted with a "die in peace" message, I can't be sure how genuine all this is - I just hope Sheena can take some comfort in it. Between him not seeming to care, her eldest daughter being autistic and her youngest daughter clamming up and not talking about it, she feels a lot of love but also heartache for her children. 

@richardhomer your dad will have known you loved him. He'll have known.

Anyway it's a brand new day and there's loads to do!

Tbh Tom the son sounds like a self absorbed twat. You're doing all you can by keeping him in the loop with what's going on, but you can't force him to care. It's his decision and he'll have to live with that for the rest of his life when the situation with Sheena changes. It must be hard for your wife, knowing her son is like that but she shouldn't blame herself: people are what they are, it's nothing to do with the way he was brought up. She sounds like a loving mum who did her best for him, it's a shame he isn't reciprocating the love and care she's put into him when she needs him the most. 

mgaw

He is going to bitterly regret this one day....that Boy needs to straighten up a bit before its too late @thomasross20, personally, hard as it would be, I would continue to really try and get through to him the need for him to get over whatever issues are in his head, as time is not on anyones side here.

One last point its perfectly okay to think step children/your own kids are twats!!!

thomasross20

I just had to set the record straight there as even Sheena gets irritated when folk who don't know him try to analyse what's wrong. It's not coping, it's just how it is. Anyway that's the last I'll say hopefully! 

Catch you later

thomasross20

Been off about a month now, feels longer.
She's been in hospital overnight for two blood transfusions. Was in A&E for 4 hours waiting next to a criminal in handcuffs..! Also discovered she has steroid-induced diabetes so that's something else to keep on top of. 

It's a good thing I'm off work as she needs the help now! The tiredness has increased big time, the tumour is so big it's pushing the stomach out. We have a wheelchair and other home aids are on order. Getting a stair lift but I want to make sure the bannister will go back on ok. 

Lots of fluid build up in her legs. Something to do with the liver not processing protein. 

Err, lots more but been busy with house stuff as well. Got a little trip to Arran which was good. My phone died , had to get a new one. Cornered the doctor to ask how long but no re answer given. Whilst the steroids have made her body bloated, other parts like her arms appear thin. House visits are family only now. Friends who reconnected when they found out and said they'd always visit.. haven't really kept their promises. 

That's all for now!

guitarfishbay

You made the right decision.  You're doing a great job Thomas.  Best wishes

Evilmags

Best wishes to both of you. A friend in similar situation stuck a bed in the living room looking out to the garden so all the family could be round him and he wasn't isolated in th bedroom. It worked really well and made caring for him easier.