Friday humour

drofluf

Put the bin out last night and the whole street applauded. Never felt prouder.

Kittyfrisk

HAL9000

drofluf said:

Put the bin out last night and the whole street applauded. Never felt prouder.

There's a little bit of me that hopes the more bohemian parts of the UK will pause to applaud, and show their appreciation for, psychic healers, aromatherapists, homeopaths, and other key workers.

maltingsaudio

HAL9000 said:

drofluf said:

Put the bin out last night and the whole street applauded. Never felt prouder.

There's a little bit of me that hopes the more bohemian parts of the UK will pause to applaud, and show their appreciation for, psychic healers, aromatherapists, homeopaths, and other key workers.

And for Doris on Facebook who knows all the answers

Bridgehouse

Kittyfrisk

A young male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A student female nurse appears and proceeds to gives him a partial bed bath. 

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown & cups his testicles gently, looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much, that was lovely. Now listen very closely"

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

HAL9000

Philosophers are to be classified as existential workers.

TheOtherDennis

Don't know who sent this originally, but I was sent it and enjoyed it...

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Bridgehouse

guitars4you

William - "Dad's got coronavirus"
Harry - "Mine hasn't"

proggy

My mate is in hospital with suspected covid-19.

They put him on one of those Dyson ventilators and he's now picking up nicely.

Kittyfrisk

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Kittyfrisk

The original & best.

Kittyfrisk

Bridgehouse

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Bridgehouse