Friday humour

545454

There was a young man from Devises
Whose balls were of differing sizes
One ball was small
And of no use at all
The other so large it won prizes

axisus

I've never forgotten the limerick that made us chuckle as school:
 There was a young man from Havana
who loved to play the piana
off his pedals he slipped
his flies unzipped
and out popped a hairy banana

TheOtherDennis

I guess this one has more sinister connotations these days, but when I first heard it, it was still quite 'innocent'

There was a young curate named Bings
Who was fond of the church and such things
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs

boogieman

My dad told me this, I think it was probably terribly naughty when he was a kid. 

There was a young lady called Ransom
Made love several times in a Hansom
When she clamoured for more
Came a voice from the floor
”The name, ma’am, is Simpson not Samson’ 

Snags

If we're doing limericks, have to sneak this one in before the "stop doing limericks you humorless bastards" posts start:

There was a young vampire called Mabel

Whose periods were exceptionally stable

On every full moon

She'd fetch out a spoon

And drink herself under the table.

Haych

One courtesy of Spike Milligan:

There was a young man named Gandhi
Who went to the bar for a shandy
With his great loin cloth
He wiped off the froth
And the barman said "Blimey, that's handy"!

proggy

Not a Limerick, but.......

Mary had a little skirt
with slits right up both sides
every time she crossed her legs
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
with a slit right up the front
she didn't wear that one...

relic245

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose balls were 2 different sized
One ball was small
Twas no ball at all
And the other was huge and won prizes

boogieman

proggy said:

Not a Limerick, but.......

Mary had a little skirt
with slits right up both sides
every time she crossed her legs
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
with a slit right up the front
she didn't wear that one...

You missed the first verse out. 

Mary had a little blouse,
all full of holes and splits
and every time she wore it
the boys could see her t*ts. 

Mattharrier

Snags said:

If we're doing limericks, have to sneak this one in before the "stop doing limericks you humorless bastards" posts start:

There was a young vampire called Mabel

Whose periods were exceptionally stable

On every full moon

She'd fetch out a spoon

And drink herself under the table.

I know that it's supposed to be, but urrh, that's rank.

Humurous, but proper manky.

jaytmon

I made one up on a creative writing course - we were given the first line:

There was a young woman from York
Who suffered from eating some pork 

Her bloke was in fits
Cos it gave her the shits 
So he plugged up her bum with a cork!

(my literary career has yet to take off…)

Snags

@Mattharrier

eyethangewe, eyethangewe, my work here is done  

proggy

Mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts shot up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

axisus

This is genius ...

axisus

axisus

axisus

rogd

axisus said:

What do they keep in the top of those titfers?

Fretwired

zepp76