Friday humour

rogd

axisus

Sporky said:

Kittyfrisk said:

I liked the joke but the punctuation hurt my brain so I've fixed it.

doesn't get memes ....

Congrats you made a joke less funny.

axisus

Brio

P&O.

DefaultM

https://i.ibb.co/fqdJh3T/35006-E96-7-C13-4007-A90-B-B843-F6-D0-C4-D1.jpg

DefaultM

I now realise that emojis are yellow, but rest assured this was not racially aggravated.

PhilW1

DefaultM said:

I now realise that emojis are yellow, but rest assured this was not racially aggravated.

So its ok to be emoj-ist now ?

Sporky

axisus said:

doesn't get memes ....

Do memes have to have bad grammar? 

axisus

Sporky said:

axisus said:

doesn't get memes ....

Do memes have to have bad grammar? 

Yeah, and crap photoshop skills.

Tannin

You chaps remind me of the days when I was a shearer,

I worked the outback for a few years and then - I was young and stupid and anything for a change - I slipped across the Tasman and took a contract at a station in New Zealand. It was a bloody long way from anywhere, way up in the hills on the South Island,but the grub was good and they were a decent mob of blokes to work with. 

Come the weekend, I wanted to know where the action was. Who was up for a run into whatever the nearest town was, a few beers, a bit of music, maybe one or two of those nice New Zealand girls? 

"No mate", they said,  "it's too far" and "You can't get there from here, not at this time of year". Best just to stay here and have a go with one of the ewes. "Pretty good mob of ewes here", they said. 

Well I knew they were pulling my leg, but no, they said, round here everybody does it. Fair dinkum, mate, it's Friday night and we all do it. Get into it!

But .. well .. with a sheep? Seriously, you don't expect me to ... you know ... do it with a bloody sheep! 

"Oh yeah mate!" they said. "Look, there is nothing wrong with it. Trust us. I mean they are all genuine ewes. It's not as if there are any rams or wethers in the home paddock, all prime ewes mate, so no worries about being homosexual or anything like that. Just pick one and get into it!"

"No, no, I couldn't" I protested, sinking yet another tin of DB Brown. 

But eventually, they talked me into it. Yes me. A grown man, having intimate relations with a sheep. So I staggered out - there had been quite a few beers go down by now - and said "Are you sure you're not just having me on? You know, playing a trick on my 'coz I'm Australian and you are all genuine Kiwis?"

"No, no no. Go for it son! We'll all be in for one too - can't wait! - but you are new here, so you go first."

So I picked a ewe out of the scrum, dropped my trousers and ... well, you know the rest. And they all started laughing! Bastards! Laughing and pointing! 

"But ..  But! But you said you all do it!" I yelled. "You bastards! Why are you laughing?"

"Ha! Trust you to pick the ugly one!"

drofluf

@Tannin I just spat out my coffee and ruined my keyboard. 

Haych

Kittyfrisk

Nitefly

@Tannin your story reminds me of a conversation between two sheep-farmers, one from Wales and the other from Scotland.  They were discussing their techniques fir (as you so daintily put it) "having intimate relations with a sheep".

The Scot says "Flip her on her back, front feet under the lowest fence rail, away you go".

"Oh no", say the Welshman, "Just pop the two back legs down the front of your wellies, perfect position".

The Scot replies, "Whut?  Nae kissin?"

AK99

Tannin said:

You chaps remind me of the days when I was a shearer,

I worked the outback for a few years and then - I was young and stupid and anything for a change - I slipped across the Tasman and took a contract at a station in New Zealand. It was a bloody long way from anywhere, way up in the hills on the South Island,but the grub was good and they were a decent mob of blokes to work with. 

Come the weekend, I wanted to know where the action was. Who was up for a run into whatever the nearest town was, a few beers, a bit of music, maybe one or two of those nice New Zealand girls? 

"No mate", they said,  "it's too far" and "You can't get there from here, not at this time of year". Best just to stay here and have a go with one of the ewes. "Pretty good mob of ewes here", they said. 

[snip]

One of the army guys I used to work with relates a slightly different variant of that one..


A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",

No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

proggy

When I asked a girl at a party what her name was, she said, "All my friends call me Vivaldi"

I said, "Is that because you're a virtuoso violinist?"

She said, "No, my name's Viv and I work at Aldi"

Kittyfrisk

proggy

A penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Has my brother been here in today?"

The barman replies, "Not sure. What does he look like?"

Winny_Pooh

Headphones

Excellent!