Friday humour

SlopeSoarer

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

(Still makes me laugh)

proggy

Today on Loose Women:

A group of middle-aged, multi millionaire women with their own TV show tell us how unfair life is.

HAL9000

SlopeSoarer said:

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

(Still makes me laugh)

Whilst on oldies but goldies...

I’ve just responded to an ad looking for someone to polish mirrors - that’s something I could see myself doing.

the_jaffa

I got a new job at a plastic Dracula factory. Orders were piling up but there was only two of us there. I had to make every second count 

proggy

When I was a kid I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears.

I was bloody terrified of cockroaches.

equalsql

There was a terrible fire at the local soap factory, when the rafters burnt through, the roof collapsed with a thickening sud.

DesVegas

proggy

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

One and two and one two three four.

Jonathangus

Jonathangus

axisus

breakstuff

 

breakstuff

 

rogd

merlin

Q. What's the difference between Boris Johnson and a flying pig?

A. The letter "F". 

TheOtherDennis

Walking the dog today in the park took me past several groups of teenagers, with their favourite sounds playing.

The snatches I heard tempted me to consider the evolution of music's attitude to romance down the ages.

• Shakespearean - I love you more than life itself
• Operatic - It's complicated
• Music hall - My lover left me, I'll get blootered on my own then
• The Blues - My baby left me, I wish I could die
• Rock'n'roll - My baby left me, now I'm free to partyyyyyyy!!!
• Punk - Love can fuck off
• Disco - Who needs a baby when you can shag everyone on the dance floor?
• R'n'b - Uh-uh, ain't no body ever gonna mess up my life
• Rap - No one can ever love me as much as I love myself

Haych

I went to the swimming pool today, took a cheeky piss in the deep end. 

The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in!

HAL9000

rogd said:

Well, I shaved the back of my horse’s neck before riding through the desert...

proggy

Woke up this morning and thought, "I need a more original opening line for this new blues song I'm working on"

rogd

Took me a while Hal!!