Friday humour

underdog

Hottubes said:

strtdv said:

Hottubes said:

axisus said:

Merkels the Goalie.

Fairly accurate

The fattest worst player always goes in goal. You must remember in school.

So why isn't Johnson wearing the red?

axisus

axisus

proggy

My claim to fame is I once directed Robert De Niro.
If it wasn't for my help, he'd still be driving about in the west end looking for that hotel.

Gandalph

Meatloaf is getting married again. He's engaged to his accountant. 

Apparently she'll do anything for love, but she won't do VAT.

maltingsaudio

Haych

"Would you like anything on your chips?"

"Does it cost extra?"

"Ten pence"

"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie"

EricTheWeary

https://i.imgur.com/7jCrUyP.png

HAL9000

I’ve just developed a taste for playing harmonica and acoustic slide guitar. My doctor reckons it’s the delta variant.

HAL9000

I applied to join a Trappist monastic order. They told me, ‘No chants’.

Haych

Last night, my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me, "You're under arrest, on suspicion of being great in bed!" 

Three minutes later she dropped the charges due to lack of evidence!

TheOtherDennis

When sado-masochists get married, do they tie the knot at the ceremony, or do they have to wait for the wedding night?

proggy

I always carry a photo of my wife in my wallet.

It reminds my why there's never any money in it.

HAL9000

Under the government’s traffic light system I assume I’m allowed to visit Amber Rudd? I’m guessing Red Rudd’s still off limits though?

HAL9000

Just been watching a couple of lightweights having a drinking competition - it was a game of two halves.

Kebabkid

True story this one - 

A friend of mine went into a jewellers and was looking for a cross as a present.

The very young assistant brought out a selection on the display trays and said
'As you can see, we've got different sizes and we do them in Gold, Silver and Onyx. Ooh (laughs). Look at this one? It's got a little man on it'

proggy

I've just joined a forum for constipation sufferers, but I'm having trouble with the log out button.

TheMarlin

proggy said:

I've just joined a forum for constipation sufferers, but I'm having trouble with the log out button.

Constipated mathematicians work it out with a pencil.  

axisus

proggy

I've been invited to an alcohol free, vegan fancy dress party.
Think I'll go as the Invisible Man.