A white coffee please.

Hertz32

I work in an establishment that has me trained to make you your lunchtime coffees.

I have no clue how many shots of espresso go in a cappuccino, I cant get the frothy shit in the cup without spilling milk everywhere. I have no idea what a flat white is, nor will I make you a white coffee.

 There are little pots of milk round the corner. Use them.  I don't know how milky you like your coffee.  I am trained not to add milk for you. 

If you then come back to me and bitch about how it is UHT milk, I'll get some milk out the fridge and pour it into a jug for you. But guess what? That shit is UHT too. 

I can just about make a latte, and I've mastered the americano. 

But please, for the love of god just order a pot of tea next time, its so much easier and I wont hate you. 

I'll probably still scald myself though. 

Oh, and if you order a soy milk decaf luxury mocha latte, I will kill you with my bare hands. 

I would have to waste half a jug of milk, write it down as wastage, clean the jug, make a soy hot chocolate in the jug, get a decaf sachet out, put the decaf in the machine, get a large latte cup, make the decaf shot, add the soy hot chocolate, clean the jug again, steam some more soy milk, add the soy milk, clean the jug, refill the jug with milk, add marshmallows to the drink, whipped cream then more marshmallows then chocolate dusting then serve it to your smug, hipster face and ask you for £6.25. 

I fucking hate my job. 

chillidoggy

HAL9000 said:

Fuzzdog said:

I find it strange whenever I'm in a coffee shop, and I ask for a white coffee - the staff clearly know exactly what I'm talking about, but seem to act as if some rule forbids them from moving from the spot unless the correct sequence of code words are uttered, as if some kind of coffee-based Darth Vader was watching them, ready to force choke them if they allow even one single coffee to be served without the correct codes.

Me - "Hi there!  White coffee, please."

Them - *slightly terrified look and awkward silence with occasional subtle head bobs towards the board of coffee code names behind them*

Me - "A large straight Americano with milk, please."

Them -  "Of course!"  *visible relief as they scamper off to make me a white coffee*

Many companies are now offering courses in Italian to help you make sense of all this. So, next time you pop into Costa's, instead of asking for a white coffee, you will be able to demand 'Vorrei un piccolo caffè bianco per favore'. Now the boot is on the other foot. So when the assistant looks blank (the same assistant that deigned only to understand Italian last time, remember) you can smile smugly and quietly say ' A small white coffee please matey'.

So it's Italian? Jeez, I thought it was Spanish, no wonder I can't read the menus.

viz

I cracked it. This morning I asked for a white tea, but with coffee instead of tea. It actually worked.

Teetonetal

Just ask for a black coffee with milk. Job done.

BigMonka

viz said:

I cracked it. This morning I asked for a white tea, but with coffee instead of tea. It actually worked.

I literally lol-ed at that!

viz

I have succumbed over the last year or so to the new accepted language, and stopped asking for a "cup of coffee with milk" due to the confusion it causes. I now ask for a "single-shot Americano with milk", and it actually seems to work quite well. However in the past week at two separate establishments my request has been met with "Would you like a second shot at no extra charge?"

stickyfiddle

All you lot want "Americano with milk" or "filter coffee with milk". 

It's very simple. Or just stick to tea, as you're all a bunch of moaning Brits...

I get a bit annoyed with coffee whingers, tbh. You've been able to get cappuccinos everywhere in the UK for at least 20 years, and it's not very complicated. 

Espresso - pure black coffee. Very strong, very small

Double espresso - pure black coffee made with a double-sized shot of ground coffee (note that doesn't necessarily give you twice as much liquid)

Macciato - espresso with a tiny bit of hot (usually foamed) milk dropped into it

Americano - espresso topped up with hot water 

Caffe Latte - a cup of steamed milk with a single or double espresso added. Usually has a tiny bit of foamed milk on top

Cappuccino - 2/3 of the cup is basically a latte, topped off with stiff froth from the top of the foamed milk

Flat White - like a latte but should have next to no foam on top and a much finer foam in the body of the milk 

All that other shit is nonsense unless you're in a bar in Italy. And that goes double for all that double frappa-cappa-double-caramel-latte-with-cream-and-fucking-sprinkles that Starbucks try and sell you.

fields5069

Hmmm. Filter coffee can be good I guess, but I don't know a coffee shop which would specialise in such an item. You may as well ask for a cup of stewed donkey tagnuts. Starbucks do stewed donkey tagnuts any number of ways, but Coffee #1 do pretty damned amazing espresso and derivatives so would probably not have the time or resources to also concentrate on good filter coffee.

Honestly though, I don't know of anywhere where coffee is £4. In fact, so my mate tells me, a good flat white in London is £2, which is often less than it is down here in the provinces. And I absolutely am paying for the coffee, so I don't think I would object to takeaway, unless it was from Starbucks. I can lick any number of dogs' arses just outside teh 'Bucks, so no need to request a take away.

PC_Dave

fields5069 said:

Hmmm. Filter coffee can be good I guess, but I don't know a coffee shop which would specialise in such an item. You may as well ask for a cup of stewed donkey tagnuts. Starbucks do stewed donkey tagnuts any number of ways, but Coffee #1 do pretty damned amazing espresso and derivatives so would probably not have the time or resources to also concentrate on good filter coffee.

Honestly though, I don't know of anywhere where coffee is £4. In fact, so my mate tells me, a good flat white in London is £2, which is often less than it is down here in the provinces. And I absolutely am paying for the coffee, so I don't think I would object to takeaway, unless it was from Starbucks. I can lick any number of dogs' arses just outside teh 'Bucks, so no need to request a take away.

Pret does a filter coffee for a quid, and it can be pretty good.

Sporky

stickyfiddle said:

Macciato - espresso with a tiny bit of hot (usually foamed) milk dropped into it

That's an Espresso Macchiato. There's also the Latte Macchiato, which is warm milk, then a shot of espresso, then foamed milk on top. It's rubbish, but thankfully rare.

For some reason, in Starbucks, a macchiato is lots of syrup with some coffee in it. Bleagh.

I do find it odd when people moan about having choice. The reason there are all these different coffees is that they are all different, and if they're made with decent espresso then they're all pretty good. Apart from the latte macchiato, of course, which is just idiocy.

stickyfiddle

Sporky said:

stickyfiddle said:

Macciato - espresso with a tiny bit of hot (usually foamed) milk dropped into it

That's an Espresso Macchiato. There's also the Latte Macchiato, which is warm milk, then a shot of espresso, then foamed milk on top. It's rubbish, but thankfully rare.

For some reason, in Starbucks, a macchiato is lots of syrup with some coffee in it. Bleagh.

I do find it odd when people moan about having choice. The reason there are all these different coffees is that they are all different, and if they're made with decent espresso then they're all pretty good. Apart from the latte macchiato, of course, which is just idiocy.

I could argue I was dumbing down for my audience... But I won't. 

Agreed on latte macchiato. Completely pointless.

octatonic

No point in asking for a flat white in the UK as I've not found anyone who makes it properly. You basically get a cappuccino with less foam.

EricTheWeary

We've got a Spanish restaurant locally which does Spanish coffees with espresso and condensed milk. Yet to have one but always up for a new coffee.

At Costa I alternate between a small latte or a cortado. If you buy a small latte half the espresso goes down the sink. If you want to have that espresso (as an extra shot) it's another 40p. Yes, I am wasting my money...

Chalky

stickyfiddle;1117682" said:

All you lot want "Americano with milk" or "filter coffee with milk". 

It's very simple. Or just stick to tea, as you're all a bunch of moaning Brits...

I get a bit annoyed with coffee whingers, tbh. You've been able to get cappuccinos everywhere in the UK for at least 20 years, and it's not very complicated. 

Espresso - pure black coffee. Very strong, very smallDouble espresso - pure black coffee made with a double-sized shot of ground coffee (note that doesn't necessarily give you twice as much liquid)Macciato - espresso with a tiny bit of hot (usually foamed) milk dropped into itAmericano - espresso topped up with hot water Caffe Latte - a cup of steamed milk with a single or double espresso added. Usually has a tiny bit of foamed milk on topCappuccino - 2/3 of the cup is basically a latte, topped off with stiff froth from the top of the foamed milkFlat White - like a latte but should have next to no foam on top and a much finer foam in the body of the milk 

All that other shit is nonsense unless you're in a bar in Italy. And that goes double for all that double frappa-cappa-double-caramel-latte-with-cream-and-fucking-sprinkles that Starbucks try and sell you.

Yes but why the need for the mystery jargon?When I say 'like you make it at home' every single one of them understands. You're just perpetuating the myth that using the jargon is essential - but it is not.

chillidoggy

Where did all this coffee jargon originate from? When I were a lad you either had coffee black or white, and it was listed as such. I too, have no real idea what all the apparent derivations are, and whilst I always drink white coffee, cannot tell what the difference is between 'cafe latte' and 'flat white'.

Which then begs the question whether 'cafe latte' is just a posh name for 'flat white', which used to be plain old white coffee as I knew it. And how did 'flat white'get adopted when all the other names are poncy foreign sounding ones?

stickyfiddle

Chalky said: stickyfiddle;1117682" said:All you lot want "Americano with milk" or "filter coffee with milk". 

It's very simple. Or just stick to tea, as you're all a bunch of moaning Brits...

I get a bit annoyed with coffee whingers, tbh. You've been able to get cappuccinos everywhere in the UK for at least 20 years, and it's not very complicated. 

Espresso - pure black coffee. Very strong, very smallDouble espresso - pure black coffee made with a double-sized shot of ground coffee (note that doesn't necessarily give you twice as much liquid)Macciato - espresso with a tiny bit of hot (usually foamed) milk dropped into itAmericano - espresso topped up with hot water Caffe Latte - a cup of steamed milk with a single or double espresso added. Usually has a tiny bit of foamed milk on topCappuccino - 2/3 of the cup is basically a latte, topped off with stiff froth from the top of the foamed milkFlat White - like a latte but should have next to no foam on top and a much finer foam in the body of the milk 

All that other shit is nonsense unless you're in a bar in Italy. And that goes double for all that double frappa-cappa-double-caramel-latte-with-cream-and-fucking-sprinkles that Starbucks try and sell you. Yes but why the need for the mystery jargon?When I say 'like you make it at home' every single one of them understands. You're just perpetuating the myth that using the jargon is essential - but it is not.

---grr, bloody quotes---
It's not "jargon". It's Italian, because that's where it was all invented. They take coffee extremely seriously. Except flat white, which is obviously not italian. First popular in Australia iirc.

chillidoggy said:

Where did all this coffee jargon originate from? When I were a lad you either had coffee black or white, and it was listed as such. I too, have no real idea what all the apparent derivations are, and whilst I always drink white coffee, cannot tell what the difference is between 'cafe latte' and 'flat white'.

Which then begs the question whether 'cafe latte' is just a posh name for 'flat white', which used to be plain old white coffee as I knew it. And how did 'flat white'get adopted when all the other names are poncy foreign sounding ones?

Caffe Latte and Flat White are not the same, and neither are anything like a black nescafe (or coffee made in caffetiere) with 1/4 cold milk added. 

When you steam the milk the stuff at the bottom is pretty much still liquid, the middle is lightly frothed but still a smooth liquid, and on top is some foam. Latte should be the liquid bit with a little foam on top. Flat white should be almost entirely the smooth stuff from the middle of the jug.

That said, most baristas have shit training and no idea of the intended difference, so what you receive when you order them is not necessarily any different. 

EricTheWeary

I have been in coffee shops and seen flat whites, lattes and cappuccinos all made exactly the same way. Flat whites in Australia where relatively short, strong coffees compared to lattes but the difference hasn't necessarily made it's way around the globe.

Sporky

Also, while there ought to be more to it, you're essentially getting stronger and less milky as you go latte, cappucino, flat white, macchiato. And a cappuccino should have a dusting of chocolate on top or it's not a cappuccino. Though they're nice without the chocolate too.

I agree entirely with what's been said; if you want a basic white coffee (which is no bad thing) then either go somewhere that just does basic white coffee, or ask for a white americano. Though anyone who acts like they don't know what you're asking for when you say "white coffee please" is just being a dick.

Rocker

The words "Starbucks" and "coffee" should never be written in the same book let alone the same page...

Chalky

If we were talking to Italian baristas @stickyfiddle, you'd have a point. But generally we are not - we're talking to folks one step up from McD staff whose knowledge of coffee is limited to matching button presses to names on the menu.